Schrenk 2012 Xmas Card

Peyton Ma-a-a-a-anning Christmas (sung to the tune of Me-e-e-r-r-ry Christmas)! Despite the fact that Brandon finally got his first smart phone, he still can't figure out how to text or how to work the "Christmas letter that people will actually read" app, so please bear with us as we drag you through one more year of Christmas confusion.

It's too bad that the world ends this year because this one has been a great one! Where to start? Allison's lost teeth? Jordan walking into a glass door? Amy's multiple Disney trips? Of course not - we'll start this letter with a huge thanks to John "the real Santa" Elway for giving us the greatest gift of all - Peyton Manning. And Brandon wants to thank Peyton Manning for giving the second greatest gift of all - discounted Papa John's pizza!

Onto the kiddos… Our “little” Allison currently has more holes in her than an Italian cruise ship as she has lost 6 teeth and pierced 2 ears. And not to brag, but she finished Kindergarten and started first grade all in one year! She ended up winning the award for "best story teller" in her class and she is clearly following in her mother's footsteps because she has been known to say "I think I'm just going to stay in bed and read today". She is also  clearly following in her father's footsteps because she then immediately falls asleep and doesn't mow the lawn even though Amy has already repeatedly made the request.

She has also become quite the seamstress; there is no end to the amount of Barbie clothing she can whip together with construction paper, scissors and masking tape. There is also no end to the bits of construction paper to be found throughout the house.

Jordan is growing like a loud, tall, loud, funny, loud, and crazy haired weed. And 2012 once again proved that you can’t spell Jordan Schrenk without OCD. Her extreme attention to detail has helped her to find continued improvement as a swimmer, a gymnast, a soccer player and a Bronco fan (Dumervil is her favorite). She is still living up to those amazing curls, and she did some other things, but with all the noise she’s making, it’s hard to think straight enough to remember.

Amy is still loving her job selling Disney vacations (have you taken one recently?) and somehow survived a week long trip to Walt Disney World and a 4 day Caribbean cruise, all in the name of work - she can almost call what she does "work" with a straight face!

Brandon has somehow managed to stay employed as some kind of engineer (still selling air) and he finally completed his Master's degree proving everyone wrong. No, he didn't prove to anyone that he was capable of doing something they said he could not, he simply proved that a Master's degree can't be that difficult because he has one.

Making the most of his newly found free time, he has focused his efforts on three, all equally unsuccessful, fantasy football teams – apparently filling a team with only Broncos is smart for a real football team, but not a fantasy one…

If you can believe it, all the Disney trips have not burnt Amy out. In fact we still have one more cruise planned only this time she's letting Brandon, the girls, and his parents go with her. We will be at a Mayan temple 2 days before their calendar ends...that means that when the world ends, we will be with our family on a Disney cruise ship, and we cannot imagine a cooler way to go.

We hope that you too find a perfect way to celebrate the end of all existence. Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas.

Brandon, Amy, Allison, Jordan, Hunter, Chloe and Amy's/Allison's/Jordan's cat

50 shades of Xmas (Brandon Mass Email)

Ho-ho-10-in-a-row (maybe eleven tomorrow) 

So if you've been diligent then you've been waiting by your mailbox for the last month anxiously awaiting the Schrenk Xmas letter. And only a handful of you got them.  And for that I apologize, but not that much because the end of this year has been CRAZY!!! 

Many of you are aware that we took a Disney Cruise through the Caribbean earlier this month, which snuck up on me and left me unable to send the hilarious pre-cursor email which asks who wants a paper copy of the Xmas letter, and serves to warm the crowd up for the main event.  Well we managed to get the letter out to exactly who we got it out to last year at exactly the same address.  We'll get to why this became a problem in a moment.

Upon our return Amy got all selfish on me and was like "The doctor says I need a hysterectomy or I will continue to be in a ridiculous amount of pain" and I was like "Pain is just weakness leaving the body" (I learned that in boot camp, and thought this an opportune time to share this little nugget) and Amy was all like "Owww...OOOOOWWWW" and I finally gave in and was all like "If I let you get this silly little procedure will you please go raise my children so I can watch the Broncos and drink my beer" and I'm not sure what she said next because Peyton threw ANOTHER TD while Von simultaneously got ANOTHER sack...it was awesome...

So like every good decision I've ever made, I took Amy's advice.  We got her on the table three days ago (she should be leaving the hospital on Sunday). I've also taken the advice of most people who have ever met me, and (as long as I remain faithful, which shouldn't be a problem - go check my anniversary email if you're unsure) I've removed myself from the gene pool.  I just need Amy to hurry up and get better because this house is a mess and the kids really need to be fed.

But, as stated, Amy has been gone for three days and there is no one to keep the kids from bothering me while I try to write a mass email or get the mail so we can correct the addresses of about 7 of you (that's how many paper copies were returned) so here's where I finally get to the point of this email:  If you didn't get a paper copy and want one, let me know and get me your address.  If you can't wait, go ahead and read the attached copy.

Speaking of Christmas cards - ladies, we need to talk.  I realize it's the Christmas season which is typically during the coldest part of the year, but would it kill you to show a little more skin on the Christmas cards?  Let's agree to this...if you show a little more next year, then so will I.  Wait, that probably isn't going to work out the way I want it to work out, so lets try this - the more you show me, the LESS I show you?  It's a win-win!

Now that I've desecrated Xmas cards, let's work on the holiday itself.  So there I was, sitting in church singing loudly and poorly to a bunch of Xmas songs, when I had the same question I have every time I sing religious hymns...What is with the " ' " in almost every song. "Heav'nly" ,"O'er" , " 'tis"...etc.  I'm sure these would be necessary if they actually saved a syllable, but:

1) they don't, and
2) you hold one word for like 15 seconds when you're singing it, so they are completely unnecessary.  In fact, in doing this you're showcasing exactly how lazy you are.

Can you imagine if today's songwriter employed this ridiculous tactic?

"And she's buying a stairway to heav'n"
"I just met you, and this is crazy, so here's my numb'r, so call me maybe."
"We---eee are ne'er, e'er, e'er,e'er, e'er, getting back togeth'r"

But at least the Christmas song folks never went so far as to create:"H to the izz-O...V to the izz-A"  If you don't know the history of these lyrics please google them because I'm actually pretty proud of this joke.

Speaking of Xmas songs, Amy and I have an annual argument.  Amy says that my lyrics are sacrilegious, I say that it's a clever, child friendly parody.  Here's my version of "Away in a Manger":

"Away in a manger, asleep on his head.
The little Lord Jesus fell out of his bed."

Can you please help me to settle this?

Alright, I've wasted enough of your time, get back to the "who cares" vs "they have a football team?" bowl.  Merry Xmas and Happy New Year everybody,

Brand'n Schr'nk