And the ultrasound says........

It's a GIRL! That's right, Brandon's life is officially over. It's a good thing that I sell Mary Kay because we'll be using makeup for a while! We're really excited and have already picked the new baby's bedding. We're still trying to pick a name. We've narrowed it down to Bailey and Lauren (with Marie as the middle name for both). Let us know your thoughts! Here are some ultrasound photos. Check out http://theschrenks.shutterfly.com for new pictures of the minivan and http://allisonschrenk.shutterfly.com for new pictures of Allison!

Re: Merry Holidays!! (Brandon Mass Email)

Alright, alright, enough already..."you didn't attach the stupid picture of the stupid car". I didn't mean to forget it but maybe that was a Freudian slip. Lucky for me I have 10 or more jerks to remind me and pour salt into that wound. They're attached this time, now let's never speak of it again.

Now onto the important stuff. God doesn't just hate evil people, he also hates nice guys. That's right, he's sending Brandon another beautiful baby girl! I thought for all those years that only the jerks would be cursed with two girls as payment for all the wrongs they'd done to women in the past. I stand corrected. Apparently the shoulder to cry on also gets punished. I'm not bitter, just a little confused.

I've attached pictures of the newest Schrenk, and she's gorgeous. I've added a new shotgun, new gun cleaning supplies, and two or three more shovels to the registry...I think you understand. Actually, the miser in me is grateful that we already own everything four girls could ever need because now number two can still get brand new hand me downs. So if you're thinking of baby presents, just send diapers and formula (and ammo).

I'll close this email by saying "Welcome Home NMCB SEVEN". Despite not hearing from you for six months, I still managed to miss you guys. I hope Japan was a blast and I hope you have some cool stories from home away from home.

Well, my inarguable theories on life and existence have been destroyed like those glass traps from Superman 2, so while I formulate some new ideas, go getcha some hot chocolate.
B

Merry Holidays!! (Brandon Mass Email)

So where to begin? Our newest try at a kid has moving parts? Minivan equals megafun? It's been so long since I've written that I don't even know where to start. So how about:

We just sent our Christmas letter out so keep an eye on your mailbox. If you don't get it, don't whine to me because most likely you've moved and forgot to tell us where to find you. If you don't see one by about Friday let me know. If you don't care if we mail it, just wait for the next mass email and I'll attach it. You don't want to miss this one, it's probably the most important Christmas card you'll receive all year. And send me your address anyway so I know where to send next year's card.

Alright, back to important news. I've attached a picture of either our newest kid, or the xray of a baby bird. The important thing to note is that it will not be born until after the Broncos fail to make the playoffs two years in a row. Next year (and the next four to sixteen seasons) when the Broncos go undefeated and win the Superbowl, please make sure that we never mention the 2006-07 seasons to it so it doesn't have to hide its head in shame. I say it, but shouldn't have to tomorrow because if it does what its supposed to then we'll let you know if it is a boy or a girl. Stay tuned to your emails for that as well.

Now what could possibly be more shameful than watching the Broncos miss the playoffs two years in a row? How about watching your youth disappear in front of your eyes. I'll say this - having a kid doesn't make you feel old. Getting pregnant with number two doesn't make you feel old. But buying a stupid white bus that couldn't pick up chicks if it had Brad Pitt driving with Matt Damon riding with a sign outside that says "I'll give you half of my fortune and a dozen roses if you just give me your number". That's right, I own a minivan. Let me rephrase that. Amy and her stupid cat own a stupid minivan. Hunter and I still cruise in the Accord because that's how we roll. I've attached a picture of the car as well as a picture of my ancient tears.

Well I think that, combined with the Xmas letter you should see soon should catch you up to date with the Schrenk's. Stand by because you should see some pretty cool sequels coming soon. And what couldn't be considered pretty cool when preceded by the words "I now own a minivan".

Alright kids, be safe this season. Don't drive after hitting the eggnog and watch out for stupid white minivans because they might contain some valuable cargo.

B

I can't believe it's already December!

Wow! Time has FLOWN this year.

Thanksgiving was a TON of fun. Allison and I went to San Antonio a few days early so we could spend some non-Daddy time with the grandparents. Uncle Michael even went with us to the zoo! Allison had a lot of fun shopping with Nana (of course!) and going to Build-A-Bear to make Rudolph and Clarice.

Thanksgiving was, as usual, crowded at my folks' house. There were 20 people this year! Allison enjoyed getting to eat her first "real" Thankgiving dinner. She LOVED sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie and Cool Whip (yes, she is my daughter!).

Here are pictures comparing Allison last year at Thanksgiving to this year:

Allison also discovered how to climb stairs (and kiss people through the bars). She has learned to pull herself up and even cruised along the couch a couple of times. Now since she can stand up and climb stairs, she tries to climb up on everything. It's really cute when she's not quite tall enough!

She had her first dentist appointment and it went pretty well. The dentist is VERY anti-thumbsucking, so that was a little disappointing. I mean, I know that it is bad for her teeth but she's only 15 months! (I won't rant here...).

My next doctor's appointment is Tuesday. Keep your fingers crossed that the baby cooperates...we might be able to determine the sex! The sonographer says I'm a week further along than we thought, so I'll be 16 weeks at that appointment (which is when we found out with Allison). The pregnancy is going pretty well. I'm finally able to eat, which is a nice change. I've started walking with some of the moms from my group (well, we've only done it once). I had SO much energy after my walk. I definitely need to keep it up.

We are almost done with Christmas shopping. I have to get a couple of things for Brandon, but then I think we're done. It'll be nice not to have to go out of the house on weekends...people are getting crazy!

That's all that's new here. Hope to hear from you soon!!!

Happy Turkey Day (little early!)

Happy Thanksgiving! I wanted to update everyone on our cool new happenings.


First, last week was my ultrasound for a test on baby 2. It turns out that the baby is measuring a week further along than we thought, so my new due date is around the 21st instead of the 28th. My grandmother is VERY excited because her birthday is the 22nd! Her 2nd great-grandbaby could be born on her birthday! How cool is that?! Here are some pictures of the baby. (I'll try to post the cool video of the baby moving its hands around later). Oh, and another plus to being 1 week further along, we should know the sex before Christmas!

Second, Allison has her first molar! It came through yesterday. Poor little thing has been living on baby Motrin for about 10 days now. It's her top, right molar. The other 3 are right below the surface and due in anytime now. (For those keeping track, that makes 9 teeth).

Third, and most important, we got our new pre-lit Christmas tree! It's beautiful and puts itself together! (Not really but it's amazing what a great husband will do when his preggo wife lays down to take a nap!). We also put up a little tree next to it with nonbreakable ornaments for Allison to play with. One of the moms in our playgroup did this and she said it helped her son leave the real tree alone. We'll see. So far, so good (but our tree doesn't have decorations on it yet).

Last, if you ever make it to see us, try to check out the Bayou Wildlife Park. It's very cool! Mom and I took Allison on Friday with our playgroup. It's 87 acres and they have almost every animal you can imagine from Japanese sika deer to a rhino and a giraffe. You ride on an open air tram and the animals come right up to you to eat from your bucket. (Again, we'll get pictures up soon).

That's what new with us. I'm finally able to eat a little bit, so the preggo weight should be coming on soon. :) We'll start taking belly pics probably next week (that's about the time that Brandon left with Allison and we started pics). Take care and Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Allison's 15 month and my 11 week

This was from a week ago. Sorry it's late, I'm pregnant and apparently very forgetful...Note: It has a little TMI in some places! Sorry!~

Wow, it was the week for doctor's appointments! Yesterday was my 11 week appointment. Everything looks great and the baby is doing just fine. In fact, the doctor said the baby is "really active" for me just being 11 weeks. (Go figure, Brandon's child can't sit still). :) I have a lot more appointments this time around. Texas has more regulations on genetic testing/screening. I lost 2 pounds since my last appointment (but I spent Monday night puking, so that might be why). Also, I'm already anemic and I have a UTI. So now I'm taking prenatal vitamins, DHA supplements, iron pills, and antibiotic and a stool softener. Tell you what, this pregnancy is NOTHING like my first (pray for a boy!).

Allison's appointment was this morning. She's 33.5" tall and 30 lbs, 11 oz. She off the charts but right on her "normal" line. We got answers to all of our questions (we LOVE our doctor!). Allison does have a little mild case of exczema (no idea if I spelled that right) but we're doing the right things for it already. She can eat peanut butter now but we have to wait until 2 years for shrimp since we have a family allergy. She can have things with honey flavoring or honey in them, just not raw honey. And she got 4 shots. The only thing the doctor was even mildly worried about was that she's not walking yet. She said she really doesn't think it's anything wrong with Allison (her muscles, etc) it's just that Allison is a big girl and it's going to take her some time. We're supposed to really work with her over the next month or so and if there are no major improvements, think about making an appointment with a Physical or Occupational Therapist. Then instead of waiting until 24 months (her next regular appointment), she wants to see us at 18 months, just to monitor the walking thing. But she said she's really not worried and thinks Allison will be walking by then anyway. Other than that, it went great! She's excited that Allison is signing and about the words she has in her speaking vocabulary: dad, dog, duck, Hunter, mom, bye/hi... (yes, dad, dog and duck sound eerily similar...you have to see what she's pointing at first!).

There are some great picures on our Shutterfly site: Allison's pictures. Can't get them to upload on our computer. I'll have Brandon try later from his laptop.

Well, that's the update for now! If anyone has ideas for exercises we can do with Allison to help her strengthen her legs, let me know!

Pictures and Gulfport

Okay, I think I've finally got this whole picture thing figured out. Hopefully the pictures show for everyone now. If not, go to http://allisonschrenk.shutterfly.com for more.

Allison and I are having fun in Gulfport. Mary is SO cute! I can't believe how little she is. I can't remember Allison being that little (but I know she was because the girls birth weights were almost the same). Allison likes to accomplish "firsts" at Ben and Erin's and this trip was no different. This first: Allison....................SIGNED! We've been working on Baby Sign Language for a while (seems like forever) and she finally got it! Her first sign is MORE. She points her finger into the opposite palm if she wants more. It started with food but has progressed to talking to Daddy on the phone and playing with Mommy's glasses!

Tonight is Spookfest on base. It's a Halloween celebratoin for the kids. I can't wait to see Allison and Mary in their costumes. And my mom is coming to visit tonight too.

My doctor's appointment went really well. I haven't gained any weight yet and the baby is measuring right on track. I'm due May 29th or so.

Well, that's all for now. I just had to share Allison's first. Oh, I guess there was another one too. She pooped in the tub. Have a great day!

An evil fairy tale (Brandon mass email)

Why was the Rockies victory bittersweet? Let me tell it in fairy tale form:
Once upon a time there was a team forged in the mountains of Colorado. We knew there was something magic about them. Their group included a dragonslayer, a scribe acting as a knight, an elder finally realizing his power, and they faced an Evil Mr. Byrnes (who says you can't have Simpson references in a fairy tale?)

But lurking in the swamps of Pearland Texas there lurked an evil, all controlling being known as Comcast. During the heart of the contest between the Stone Men of Colorado and the Evil Serpents of Arizona, evil Comcast chose to be all "corporation-y" and decided right before the 8th inning to switch the channel lineup.

Our fairy tale became a mystery when Brandon witnessed "The Stepford Wives" rather than the rest of the magical evening. When he changed to the new channel (which wasn't supposed to switch for two weeks) he switched to the new channel and saw nothing but static. In a last ditch effort, he ran to his computer to watch a gamecast, but the Evil Comcast struck once more by controlling the internet. Apparently because they all come in the same package, they all get screwed up at the same time.

So Brandon called his folks and heard the end of the game over their phone. I'll take the win, I love the streak, but when you stay up until 1 am, you really hope to catch it. Oh well, at least when the Rockies take on the Indians or Red Sox in the WORLD SERIES!!!!!!, the Network Gods will likely eliminate the evils of corporation-y Comcast. It's not Comcastic, it's Com-Stupid.

The End
B

PS Amy says it has to say happily ever after, but I'm hoping to save that line for a couple of weeks...

Fall is here and with it, stomach bugs.

Well, I am going to give this another shot. I think this will be the easiest way to update everyone, show pictures and share videos. So, here it goes (again).

It finally is starting to feel like fall is here. Allison got a stomach virus last week. Let me tell you how much fun being pregnant is around a 14 month old who is puking. (For those who don't know, your sense of smell is heightened while you're preggo). Then she was so nice all weekend but sneaky little thing, gave me her virus on Monday. Thankfully, Brandon was able to come home and did the absolutely fabulous, best husband and dad ever duties and took care of Allison, fed her dinner, bathed her, put her to bed and cleaned up the house. All before watching the Rockies sweep the D-Backs! What a good husband! Now if we could only get our cable company to behave as well as he does....

We went to the pumpkin patch at a local church on Monday. Allison had a blast. One of the mom's from our mom's group who has her own photography business came and took pictures. We've decided that Allison is too strong for her own good. (Note the picture of Allison rolling a pumpkin bigger than she is). It's cooler today than it's been in a while but because of the humidity, it's not as nice outside as it looks.

Allison and I are gearing up for our trip to Gulfport! Brandon is going to drive us down there and stay for a couple days and then Allison and I will stay for 2 weeks until Brandon comes to pick us back up. We're going to help Erin with Mary Grace. We are so excited to finally meet her! I can't believe she's already here....it seems like just yesterday Erin and I had "the conversation." :)

My first OB/GYN appointment is this Thursday. We'll have updates as soon as we can!

Well, that's what's new in our world. Now we're just waiting for the World Series!!! Go Rockies!

Hell thawed out, and then froze over again! (Brandon mass email)

Well, it's time for another big announcement. Amy and I have been trying for months and it finally happened – Interest Rates Went Down!!!

Oh yeah, and we're having another baby…

That's right, Amy is now brewing a little hellion to punish us for Allison the angel baby. But don't worry, I won't play favorites. I will love Allison and him/her equally, and Hunter will still trump them both.

This wasn't shocking, but it was pretty much like we said we were ready to start trying and next thing we knew "IT TURNED BLUE!" It's kind of like we walked into God's used baby lot and he was trying to meet a quota so he gave us our first offer. If I'd have known I was this fertile I would have…wait a second. I'm going to keep this a PG email, but you can imagine the multitude of mom jokes that would fit here.

So we need help naming this one, and you can help. After you've read through this list just pick up your phone, preferably at work, and scream your favorite into the receiver. We'll keep tabs and let you know the winner in late May. Here are the current front runners:

Boy:
Ed McCaffrey Schrenk
John Welter Schrenk (I think I hear two people laughing)
John Galt Schrenk (My real friends are laughing here)

Girl:Brandon Schrenk Jr

Names that work for either:
Prometheus McCaffrey Schrenk
John Elway Jay Cutler Champ Bailey Dre Bly Travis Henry Terrell Davis Shannon Sharpe Jason Elam Tom Nalen John Lynch Schrenk

I want to give a couple of shout outs

Brent - even though you never read my emails, you're going to make a great Lieutenant Commander. Not as good as I would have been, but good nonetheless.
Waites - You have the second cutest baby ever! Third cutest in about 9 months...
Sean and Lindsey Miller (formerly Clark) - Great wedding...especially the reception. We may have to take the new Hellion back to Traverse City to see his/her origin (Do the math, folks)
Seth and Misty De Ville (formerly Mangasarian) - the pictures were gorgeous. When both kids stop draining our cash, we owe you a Chicago stopby.
Traci ??? (formerly Olson) - CONGRATS! We want to see you guys!

Don't forget to check out allisonschrenk.shutterfly.com , www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz, and especially http://www.myspace.com/amyschrenkif you want to see a video of some topless chick dancing for you. For those who are freaked out that I'd actually send you to a less than reputable site, come on, give me a little credit I don't deserve.

Who is John Galt?
B

365...Already? (Brandon mass email)

Hola Banditos (that's Texican for Howdy, yall)

Well, today is pretty amazing. The coolest little kid in the history of mankind is officially one year old! I couldn't believe it myself. But you know what, when something like that hits you, it sort of makes you reflect on what you've learned over the past 365.25 days. And because I have a little military still in me, I'm going to present it in a "Lessons Learned" format:

ITEM: Baby spit and cell phones.
DISCUSSION: Babies mouths are small, so they can't possibly produce enough spit to ruin a cell phone, right?
RECOMMENDATION: Don't be fooled. If you don't yet have kids, go ahead and hang on to the one you're using now so the kid has a play toy. If you have kids, better start looking for the best deal on a new one.

ITEM: Babies, Your Bed, and Gravity
DISCUSSION: Your kid is sitting in the middle of your queen size bed showing no interest in moving. You look down to check your watch, and the next thing you know the kid is on the floor SCREAMING while your wife starts yelling from the other room. You understand basic physics so you're now convinced that your child possesses supernatural powers because there is no way that Superman could have moved that fast, unless he had a time traveling cell phone, but you know your kid doesn't because she already ruined it with her baby spit.
RECOMMENDATION: When your wife says "Don't take your eyes off the kid", go ahead and heed the advice.

ITEM: Babies and remote controls
See babies and cell phones

ITEM: Baby teeth.
DISCUSSION: When your baby is born, it is absolutely adorable when she starts nibbling on your fingers and her gums are soft. Then you start noticing that she laughs when you do it, and you like to see her smile, so you make a habit of it. Then she grows her first tooth. Suddenly you realize that all you've been doing is conditioning her to bite your fingers, as well as giving her jaw a workout that has developed a clamp that makes a bear trap jealous.
RECOMMENDATION: Don't stick your hand in a mouth containing midget fangs.

ITEM: Drinking from a Sippie
DISCUSSION: If your kid is "festively plump" (remember, I can't call Allison a cake-eater anymore because I'm not allowed to make fun of her after she turns 1, even if she is wearing clothes that fit a 24 month old and she can't see her toes, but not because of her ginormous gut, but because she has them in her mouth) she will likely be late to develop skills like crawling, walking, high-fiving, or jumping in the backs of photos while giving a thumbs up, she will likely exceed expectations when it comes to eating. Allison, for one (or 2.5, given her volume) saw one of the older kids drinking from a sippie at daycare and stole it from him. She emulated him and after that morning would push bottles away.
RECOMMENDATION: If you want your kid to develop, you must first instill in them a healthy sense of dominance over other children. Then they will realize that it's okay to steal things because, despite being younger, you're bigger than the other kid and you want that thing he has in his hand. Science has proven that cage matches are the best way to teach maleable young minds. And by science I mean Michael Vick, and by maleable young minds, I mean dogs. Allegedly.

ITEM: Drinking from a cup
DISCUSSION: Dad naturally assumed the because the smartest girl ever figured out how to use a sippie at such a small age, mastering the cup would be easy. Go big or go home is what I always say, so we tried the 32 oz plastic glass in the bath tub. Allison was so cute as she tried to lift the cup full of soapy water up to her face, just like mommy and daddy do. Allison also has the strength of a 10-yr old (I'm thinking she might be a part of the steroid era, but I'm afraid she'll hit me if I bring it up, so we'll just let it go. By the way, she already has 234 home runs) and got the 80% filled cup up to her mouth and then bottoms up! Have you ever seen a child cough up her head's worth of water and then not breathe for about a minute. I have.
RECOMMENDATION: Seriously, dude, heed your wife's advice.

ITEM: Wine on the bottom of the rack.
DISCUSSION: Do you remember that big bottle of wine that you put on the bottom shelf so that, Allison can't get to it and it wouldn't break. Well apparently she can and it does.
RECOMMENDATION: I'd say cut back on the wine, but then how would I handle Allison crying? And I've now learned that dogs love the taste of wine off an infant's hand, and mom moves faster than an Allison with a baby-slobber-destroyed time machine cell phone when her little girl is near breaking glass. Basically, I recommend doing the best you can because obviously you can't read this Item without realizing that you're an unquestionably better parent than me.

ITEM: Walking into a sleeping babies room
DISCUSSION: It's your daughter's first birthday. You know she's still asleep when you leave for work, just like she is everyday. But it's a special day so you want to wish her a happy birthday before you leave. Opening the door to her room wakes her. She smiles at you, and you pick her up and whisper happy birthday in your ear. She smiles again and, although she isn't really old enough to know how to hug, she wraps her arms around your neck and squeezes. You love this little girl. You put her back down and tell her to get some good sleep, you'll see her tonight when you get back from work. You see the look of realization in her eyes that you are leaving. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and nearly breaks the windows with her scream, consequently waking mom. Way to make her first birthday special jackass.
RECOMMENDATION: Dude, seriously, how are you still married?

Yup, I think I've just summarized every thought I've had since Allison was born. You should definitely check out http://theschrenks.shutterfly.com/ to see the new casa, and http://allisonschrenk.shutterfly.com/ for the birthday girl. If you're going to be in the Houston area this weekend, I strongly recommend you stop by at 1pm on Saturday for Allison's party. Otherwise, stay tuned for pictures of Allison eating her first donut, maybe some cake.

Hasta.
B

PS...If you talk to Clark, let him know that you saw me typing this at home and that I wasn't wasting time at the sweet ass job that he hooked me up with.

PPS...A reminder to folks new to the Schrenk Newsletter - you're always free to ask me to take you off the distro, it won't hurt my feelings. But if your name is Greg Jennings, I won't entertain the request.

FREEDOM!! (Brandon mass email)

Well, your country is finally in the hands of capable military personell!

That's right, as of midnight tonight I am back to being a civilian. Well, mostly. I'll still be in the Inactive Reserve, so there's still a chance I could be called back into service, albeit a pretty slight one.

This email will focus around work, so if you're at work right now, chances are that you're reading this so you can kill some time, but you always feel like you're too busy to read the whole thing. That is true in both the civilian and military sector.

Now to make my military buddies jealous. Let me explain Air Liquide "mandatory fun". The primary difference between AL and the government is that in AL "mandatory" means optional, and "fun" means fun. Let me explain. The first week I got there, we took Thursday afternoon off to go to an Astros game (paid for by AL). The only thing I had to pay for was beer and chicken strips.

Then a week later, it was family day. We went to Dave and Buster's and they fed us more than I should have eaten all weekend, for FREE. Then they gave us $10 in tokens (they even gave Allison one) so we went and started getting tickets. We played this ridiculous quiz game where the more folks played the more tickets the winner would receive. And by "the winner would receive" I mean "the more tickets people would hand to Amy". For 50 cents a game we were getting between 120 and 160 tickets, and by "we" I mean Amy because she kept winning. I came in second once, but that's because I was peeking over her shoulder. Needless to say we amassed a small ticket fortune and spent it all on Allison. She hugged Cookie Monster (C) so tight and was so happy I thought she was having a siezure. For more pictures of Cookie Monster (C) checkout www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz. PS. Sesame Street, you can't sue me, I put one of those (C) things behind Cookie Monster (C)

Now to what I spend between 8 and 10 hours a day doing. I won't get into specifics because most of you will be board, but in laymans terms my section of Air Liquide compresses and separates air into liquid oxygen (used for medical purposes and to start fires in other plants), liquid nitrogen (for entertaining high schoolers during Sophomore science class), and liquid Argon (used in light bulbs and nobility). Specifically, I'm in charge of our Ingleside and Victoria TX plants (sort of near Corpus Cristi) and I'm supposed to make those plants make more of the liquid products using less energy. You all know me pretty well, though, so keep an eye on the Ingleside Tribune and see if you can make out my face in the "Former Naval Officer Blows Up Chemical Plant: Plant officials thought no one could be that stupid" article coming to your town soon.

Now to Allison - apparently fat babies float as good as fat people! Yup, she started swim lessons. I learned that when you're going to dunk your kid, you're supposed to blow in there face so they hold their breath. I tried it and learned something else. When you blow in Allison's face, she laughs. Then I learned the most valuable lesson of all. When you dunk a laughing kid, they stop laughing and loud screams are a guarantee once they cough up all that water. Needless to say, I'm out for dad of the year this year, but there's always 2008 right?

She also got two more teeth, so she has two on top and two on the bottom. I watch Hunter, and I'm suddenly reminded how glad I am that I don't have a tail. Or floppy ears. Or whiskers. Or a crappy owner who holds me down while the kid pulls on my ears and whiskers and then takes a bit out of my tail with her razor sharp infant fangs.

That's enough for now. We're getting closer to finally filling up the house and once that happens you get pictures! Stay tuned for my next email when I detail how I lost a battle fighting a whole wasps nest armed with only a lawn mower. And you won't want to miss the paragraph entitled "We're only going a few blocks, don't worry about tying the piano down it won't fall. Besides the only other thing in the back of this moving van is two propane tanks that aren't tied down either!" I think I might call my next email "Don't ever let Brandon move your stuff. In fact, don't ever let him move his stuff"

Hasta
B

Did Brandon fall off the face of the planet?? (Brandon mass email)

In a word...yes. I'm now a Texan.

I know you've all been checking your email every 15 minutes since my last email, but it's now time to end your month-long-sleep-drought and get some rest. Allison, Amy, Hunter and I (and that feline-looking-thing) made it to San Antonio on the 21st of May. We spent a few days lounging out with her folks. And by lounging out with her folks I mean Grandma and Grandpa Bean swam with her in the pool and swung with her on the patio while Amy and I worked from 6am-10pm for four days fighting with Loan Officers, Realtors, Inspectors, Insurance Agents, Sellers, Evil Wookies, The Empire, The Joker, and The Man, and everything looked like we should be fine for a June 1st closing on the house of our dreams so we flew to Colorado to lounge out with my folks.

And what I mean by lounge out with my folks was Grandma and Grandpa Schrenk swung with Allison on the porch while Amy and I spent the next four days working from 7am-11pm (we moved to the Mountain Time Zone) fighting with Loan Officers, Realtors, Inspectors, Insurance Agents, Sellers, Rabid Midgets, Ice Cream Trucks that fired Missiles, Pennywise the Clown, Lex Luthor, and Big Brother and finally everything looked like we should be fine for a June 1st closing so we flew back to San Antonio to lounge with Amy's folks again.

And what I mean by lounging out with Amy's folks was 4 more days of fighting (from 6am to 10pm - Central time again) with Loan Officers, Realtors, Inspectors, Insurance Agents, Sellers, Clubber Lang, Simon Cowell, That Faceless Guy from Inspector Gadget, The Wicked Witches (yeah, that one with the house on top of her was MEAN!) and Whitey until we looked like we should be fine for a June 1st closing so we cruised into Pearland, TX (near Houston) on June 1st.

Once we got there, we finally closed on the house and got to move in.

Our cell phone numbers will remain the same and we should have pictures of the new joint at http://www.geocities.com/amyaphiizsoon!

Then, just when we thought the madness was over we had to start battle with cable companies, electric companies, telephone companies, internet hosts, security companies, The Evil Monkey in Chris' Closet, Lord Voldemort, the Noid, the Dixie Chicks, and the Demon and the crack of his whippy tail...but it was all worth it because we're in our new house, which we love, Hunter has a new room (the FENCED back yard) which he loves, Allison has her own bathroom, which she will love, the grandparents will have their own room and shower, which they love, and there are tons of places for Snickers to hide so we rarely see her (which I love!).

I'll update you on the new job next email, but for the time being I need to give a shout out to some folks who do great work. I never thought I'd be advertising on the Schrenk mass email, but here we go!

If you ever need AMAZING quilt work done, contact Mrs. Sew&Sew (Amy Dix) of Mrs. Sew-n-Sew, Custom Quilts http://www.mrssewnsew.shoppingcartsplus.com/. She's awesome! I'm not kidding, check our website you'll be amazed.

Next I want to thank (for those of you military types) MC1 Mulligan (and for those of you civilians Sean Mulligan). Check out Allison's 10 month old pictures, he does awesome work. I know it sounds creepy taking your daughter into the garage of some guy you barely know, but the ends justify the means, right? That's my parenting philosophy! But for my Gulfport friends, you probably had no idea that he had his own business outside of the base but he's definitely worth checking out.

Lastly, I wanted to congratulate Allison's godparents (a few months too late, but it's still in there) for their good news. Mike got a great new promotion at Carmax and Heater was accepted into pharmacy school. What parent could be prouder? The two people responsible for Allison's spiritual upbringing are a used car salesman and a drug dealer!

Thanks for hanging in there, sorry this one was so long. Well, not really because this one was long overdue.
Peace
B

It has been too long (Brandon mass email)

Ahoy-hoy,

If you want to skip the rest of this email, that's fine, but at least know that we're having another "Come and meet Allison party, part deux" at my folk's place in Colorado this Friday at 5pm until 9 or so.

If you're making plans to attend please send an email to my mom so shecan make sure there's enough food there you cheap jerk (yeah, you know who you are and I know how you operate).

Now onto important stuff (in order of importance) - I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS, I'm going to a Bronco game, I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS, Allison is still huge and adorable, I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS, I have a job lined up, I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS, we should be closing on a house before the month is out, and I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS. Isn't that crazy? Me, at a Bronco game?

Oh, where to start? Apparently my begging worked because Sean Clark lined me up with a sweet job at Air Liquide (yeah, it's French, but Allison eats a lot so I need the cash). Essentially the company makes liquid oxygen, nitrogen and argon, and I'll be a Zone Engineer so I'll be responsible for the projects relating to that process around Ingleside Texas. If you want me to nerd it up for you, give me a call.

Amy suggested that because we were going to move we should probably find a place to live. At first I was against the idea, but it grew on me. We started looking and found a great place in Pearland Texas. Yup, stone me now, I'm going to be a Texan soon. It's a five bedroom, three bath place that is gorgeous. Amy and I are nervous to give anyone the address just yet (kind of like asking a pitcher to check out the scoreboard in the midst of a perfect game) but I promise that when we close (which is scheduled for May 31st) you're all welcome to come stay with us any time you want. Joel, Russ, or Kansas, you only get to come to wash my car.

The Denver Broncos were so excited that I was going to be living in Houston that they decided to schedule a game against the Texans in December!! Make no mistake, I will sell ANYTHING (Amy and Allison included, Hunter excluded) to get into that game. It will be a Houston Texan's Thursday night game so if you should happen to have it playing on your TV that night you'll see a nearly empty stadium with one gangly, goofy looking dude wearing a McCaffery jersey arguing with a hot dog vendor over whether Darth Vader or Darth Maul was tougher. By the way, I'll be wearing my McCaffery jersey to that game.

We'll be driving away from Gulfport (so long Stinktown) this Monday and will be living with Amy's folks until we get our house. We are headed up to CO for a couple of days over Memorial Day weekends, hence the aforementioned party.

So all is going well. I strongly encourage you to go to http://www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz/ and check out the newest pictures of Allison. This kid is still the cutest little girl ever born, and I'm not just saying that because sh'e's my daughter, I'm saying it because I've been on a quest to find a baby cuter than mine and it hasn't happened yet. Just because I'm using Gulfport as my population sample doesn't make the data any less valid.

Hope to hear from all of you soon.
Brandon

PS...Did I telly you that I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS??

New Jobs and poetry (Brandon mass email)

First things first, www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz is the website you are supposed to visit to see pictures of my little girl. Other members of my family might be on there too, I can't remember. Either way, it is not a site designed for you to view my resume, Erin (congrats on your first shout out).

Now to more important things - how did the job search go? Well let me strongly recommend headhunters - they even made a guy like me mildly hireable. We essentially went through a round of "speed dating" (for those unfamiliar, check out "The 40-yr Old Virgin" as long as kids aren't in the room). At the first conference most folks had 4-7 interviews - I got 11. I rated the companies and they rated me on a fourth-graders dating scale - Yes, No, and Maybe. I went 9-1-1. I realized the civilian side would be a little less selective than the military, but COME ON! Three days later I had 10 more interviews. I know, you'd think that someone would have figured it out... WRONG - I went 10-0-0. IDIOTS!

Well, it's nice to have some selection now. Currently I'm looking primarily in the Houston area, but I have a couple of prospects in Dallas and Tulsa (don't give me that look, Amy, the job is good. Allison, stop it - did your mom teach you to glare like that?) A couple more weeks and a few more plant trips and my guess is I'll probably have a job! Also, a quick thanks to Clark and Lindsey for their help with Air Liquide and DOW.

Alright, now to the part of the email that you've been waiting for: POETRY! For those unfamiliar, I've always dabbled in the arts, and have found a special niche in Haiku. For those unfamiliar, Haiku is the japanese poetry which consists of three lines, the first with 5 syllables, then 7, then 5. I've started an organization if you'd like more info - World Haikuists (it's a word) Attempting To Align Dreams and Overcome the Rigor of Knormal (WHATADORK). Anyway , here goes:

I call this one Revelations;

Darkness envelopes,
burns with fiery, evil pain
got Coke up my nose

This next group is an an arrangement I've prepared for my wife's cat:

Worthless Cat - take one

Cat spins round and roud
dryer sheets ward off evil
so in there you stay

Worthless Cat - special edition

If she didn't want
a clean, sanitized, blonde cat
why'd she buy the bleach?

Worthless Cat - alternate ending

If she didn't want
a smooth, waterproof cat
why'd she buy the tape?

Worthless Cat - directors cut

If she didn't want
me to test household items
why'd she buy the cat?

Finally, the only redeeming part of this act. This one needs no title:

When Allison smiles
I'm suddenly reminded
all is right in life

Thank you, thank you. Just remember, along with long mass emails, all Haiku's presented in this email are property of SchrenkisSweet, Inc, and can be reproduced, but only if done so with perfect comedic timing.

Sorry, but it looks like I've run out of time. Thanks for sticking around and I look forward to sending another email and wasting a little more of your time.

B

In the Beginning

Hi Everyone!

Okay, so we're going to give this blog thing a try. It looks like I can update it at work, so maybe it will be done more than our website is! (Just kidding!).

Allison is almost 8 months old. I can't believe time has flown by this quickly. She's rolling, has two teeth (and working on #3) and starting to want to chase the cat. We've also had to retire one of our old cell phones because Allison doesn't want the colorful baby one, she wants the real deal. (So my 8 month old having her own cell phone doesn't make me a bad mom, does it!?).

Mom was here this last weekend so Brandon and I could attend the Seabee Ball. It was a lot of fun. Mom and Allison had a blast playing together. Good thing we'll see her (and Dad and Michael and Brianne and Aunt Susie) again next week. We're going to Texas next week so Brandon can attend 2 job conferences. (Hopefully that means he'll have a job soon). We're also going to get to see Clark and Lindsey while we're there. AND (if A&M beats Memphis...I'm sorry, WHEN they beat Memphis) we might get to go to Saturday's game. Gig 'em!

Thanks to Sarah and Christy for inspiring me to try this...we'll see how it goes! And congratulations to Christy and Zach; Makenna is beautiful. I'll try and have pictures up soon...

Proof that my New Year's resolution wasn't to send shorter emails (Brandon mass email)

So last email I promised a copy of our Christmas letter and photo and forgot. It should be attached this time. I hope.



















Okay, enough about that and onto the true meaning of Christmas. For 25 Christmases I have believed that Christmas was about a spirit of caring for your neighbors and taking some time to spend with family friends and loved ones. Boy was I WRONG. Christmas is now, and will forever be, about PRESENTS!!!

You can blame Amy for this realization - she happened to get me the coolest present ever forged. If you'll take a look at the picture below you will see how I want to be buried. No joke, if that jersey isn't on me I will haunt you from beyond the grave with something far worse than these pointless emails. If your eyes aren't so good, I happen to be underneath a SIGNED, ED MCCAFFERY VINTAGE ORANGE BRONCO JERSEY!!! It's rumored that even Buddha, after having reached enlightenment, uttered the words "I really want one of those".















Well Grandma and Grandpa Schrenk almost didn't make it down to Mississippi this year because of the light frost Denver's been having, but after bribing the necessary judges, and buying drinks for the proper pilots they made it down to join Amy's family in spoiling their first grandchild for her first Christmas. Unfortunately their luggage did not. When it finally did, it was the best December 26th Christmas EVER! They almost missed the trip home because of the second mild flurry, but this time they made their flight. Once again, the luggage didn't. If only George Bush had signed the Kyoto Treaty...

The job search can officially commence - I got orders that say I am officially receiving the boot in June. That being said, for those of you who have been distributing my resume, it's time to revisit those McDonald's and stir the dying embers. If you're suddenly feeling guilty and now want to give my resume to a firm send me an email. I would have attached one to this email, but mostly I'm just lonely so every single email asking for one helps me to imagine friends are writing me.

Lastly, I need to apologize to one of my friends who got engaged over Thanksgiving (you know who you are) but for some reason I think I'm not supposed to say anything yet. I'm so used to writing emails every other day and I completely forgot to give props to my other friend who's throwing away freedom so he can be burdened by the burying cement shoes of left hand metal - now that's good simile. But anyway, now's the time to give him the advice I give every engaged and married man: take frequent trips, with your fiance/wife of course, to Best Buy and go down the TV aisle to compare the size of the big screens of comparable price, to that little piece of rock attached to some shiny metal. For those of you just recently engaged, married, or who want to be married someday, remember tricks like this to keep your marriage fun and new!


If you didn't receive another email about a two weeks ago, either Amy submitted your name to this list or this email address was submitted by someone who did. One last plug - If you don't tell me to take you off this list, you're going to continue to receive these random and regularly ridiculous ramblings.

Merry Festivus,
B

PS Taylor and Stephanie - Got it. Thanks so much, hope all is well.

PSS Jared - I haven't forgotten. I'm still working on getting Chad's address and I'll send it as soon as I get it.

PSSS Chad, can you please send me your home address.