50 shades of Xmas (Brandon Mass Email)

Ho-ho-10-in-a-row (maybe eleven tomorrow) 

So if you've been diligent then you've been waiting by your mailbox for the last month anxiously awaiting the Schrenk Xmas letter. And only a handful of you got them.  And for that I apologize, but not that much because the end of this year has been CRAZY!!! 

Many of you are aware that we took a Disney Cruise through the Caribbean earlier this month, which snuck up on me and left me unable to send the hilarious pre-cursor email which asks who wants a paper copy of the Xmas letter, and serves to warm the crowd up for the main event.  Well we managed to get the letter out to exactly who we got it out to last year at exactly the same address.  We'll get to why this became a problem in a moment.

Upon our return Amy got all selfish on me and was like "The doctor says I need a hysterectomy or I will continue to be in a ridiculous amount of pain" and I was like "Pain is just weakness leaving the body" (I learned that in boot camp, and thought this an opportune time to share this little nugget) and Amy was all like "Owww...OOOOOWWWW" and I finally gave in and was all like "If I let you get this silly little procedure will you please go raise my children so I can watch the Broncos and drink my beer" and I'm not sure what she said next because Peyton threw ANOTHER TD while Von simultaneously got ANOTHER sack...it was awesome...

So like every good decision I've ever made, I took Amy's advice.  We got her on the table three days ago (she should be leaving the hospital on Sunday). I've also taken the advice of most people who have ever met me, and (as long as I remain faithful, which shouldn't be a problem - go check my anniversary email if you're unsure) I've removed myself from the gene pool.  I just need Amy to hurry up and get better because this house is a mess and the kids really need to be fed.

But, as stated, Amy has been gone for three days and there is no one to keep the kids from bothering me while I try to write a mass email or get the mail so we can correct the addresses of about 7 of you (that's how many paper copies were returned) so here's where I finally get to the point of this email:  If you didn't get a paper copy and want one, let me know and get me your address.  If you can't wait, go ahead and read the attached copy.

Speaking of Christmas cards - ladies, we need to talk.  I realize it's the Christmas season which is typically during the coldest part of the year, but would it kill you to show a little more skin on the Christmas cards?  Let's agree to this...if you show a little more next year, then so will I.  Wait, that probably isn't going to work out the way I want it to work out, so lets try this - the more you show me, the LESS I show you?  It's a win-win!

Now that I've desecrated Xmas cards, let's work on the holiday itself.  So there I was, sitting in church singing loudly and poorly to a bunch of Xmas songs, when I had the same question I have every time I sing religious hymns...What is with the " ' " in almost every song. "Heav'nly" ,"O'er" , " 'tis"...etc.  I'm sure these would be necessary if they actually saved a syllable, but:

1) they don't, and
2) you hold one word for like 15 seconds when you're singing it, so they are completely unnecessary.  In fact, in doing this you're showcasing exactly how lazy you are.

Can you imagine if today's songwriter employed this ridiculous tactic?

"And she's buying a stairway to heav'n"
"I just met you, and this is crazy, so here's my numb'r, so call me maybe."
"We---eee are ne'er, e'er, e'er,e'er, e'er, getting back togeth'r"

But at least the Christmas song folks never went so far as to create:"H to the izz-O...V to the izz-A"  If you don't know the history of these lyrics please google them because I'm actually pretty proud of this joke.

Speaking of Xmas songs, Amy and I have an annual argument.  Amy says that my lyrics are sacrilegious, I say that it's a clever, child friendly parody.  Here's my version of "Away in a Manger":

"Away in a manger, asleep on his head.
The little Lord Jesus fell out of his bed."

Can you please help me to settle this?

Alright, I've wasted enough of your time, get back to the "who cares" vs "they have a football team?" bowl.  Merry Xmas and Happy New Year everybody,

Brand'n Schr'nk