Life Altering Events (Brandon mass email)

Pictures will be added soon...

What's up kids?

I know you've been lonely without me so I'm checking up on you real quick. And by real quick I mean it's time for your monthlyish novel.

So if you look closely at the attached pictures, you can see the snowball resting comfortably in Hell and the sixth sign is upon us. That's right yall...the kid's still there. Within three months (hopefully she waits for me to get home but I've never had a woman listen to me in my life) our newest addition will be here. Hope you enjoy because you can pretty much plan on more pictures until my daughter leaves for college or runs away from home (If you imagine having me for a dad, you realize that the odds are even either way...). If your into the whole brevity thing 10 and 14 are probably the best, and 1 will probably get me thrown in jail for child pornography.

Well, once again Amy and I are taking the responsible route and making plans for me to be unemployed by Allison's first birthday. That's right, to the shock of a few, and to that apapthy of most, Amy and I have decided that it's time for me to hang up my boots and turn in my pistol. Lo, how I've enjoyed the Navy, and I really have, I don't think the lifestyle accomodates how I want to raise my kids and I'm enough of a nerd that I miss being a number-crunching engineer. But this is the government so don't think this is happening any time soon. Likely I'll be stuck in Gulfport, MS until next June....

That being said, I need your help. If you have a resume that's helped you to get a job recently, you ought to pop it to me because I haven't written a resume in....ever. If you have a good rapport with your current employer you ought to say a few good things about me and see if they don't want to throw away some money. Ideally I'm searching for something with a large salary and little to no responsibility. And remember to throw in key phrases like "War Hero" and "Dedicated worker and family man" and avoid phrases like "there was this one time he lit himself on fire...." and "let me tell you about this one pickup line he tried.....". But seriously, if you wouldn't mind asking around for me, I'd really appreciate it. And despite years of being worthless I look pretty good on paper.

Told you this email was going to be long. A number of you have asked what it's really like over here, and I'd compare it to a nice day at the beach. There is plenty of soft sand under your feet, it's 85 or 90 degrees outside with a warm breeze. Then the sun rises and it starts to get hot. I've seen what 115 looks like in early May and I'm scared to think what that means for August. If you are trying to acclimate to the middle east, I would recommend going into your bathroom, aiming your hair dryer directly at your face, turning it on to high, and leaving it there for 15-20 minutes. It's unreal. But the air conditioning in my office still works and I'm still consuming 3000-4000 calories and 1-2 gallons of water a day, and still losing weight, so I have no complaints.

Now is the part where I remind you that you haven't checked on Amy in awhile. If this last phrase got you, then you know it's time. If it didn't, then you're heartless or named Jared (maybe both).

And remember kids, Give War a Chance.

Hugs and kisses
B