The timeless art of finite garbage (Brandon mass email)

Howdy yall...did you miss me? I've missed you. And I miss sleep.

I realized that I haven't entertained myself by writing a mass email for quite some time and I need some entertainment. So this will be long, and I don't care if you laugh because I already am.

Well, Allison is now a month and ten days old, which means I haven't slept in almost 41 days!! But it's been a blast. She's very cute, but she's taught me a few things that I think are extremely important that I pass on to those of you who might someday become parents. Here we go:

1) No More Tears shampoo doesn't live up its name. No matter how much of that crap you dump into her eyes, she'll still be crying

2) Whoever recommended using baby doo-doo as fertilizer needs to come get rid of this dead ficus that smells like poo

3) You love your kid, but their cuteness factor is directly proportional to how much sleep they let you have the night before.

4) No matter how much Grandpa Schrenk thinks that Allison won't be that much fun until she can walk and giggle, somehow the two of them spent a lot of time together and I know it wasn't mom, dad, or grandma who introduced her to every person at the hotel

5) Take a picture of your kid at night - you will have taken ten before I've finished this sentence. Send them to your work account before you go to bed. Trust me. It will make putting up with crap from your boss a whole lot easier, but probably contributed to the production loss that made him/her yell at you in the first place.

But back to the important stuff - HUNTER!!! I know, you all thought that Allison was going to be the most important thing in my life, and she even surprised me by beating the Simpsons AND the Broncos, but until she can open my beer for me she's just shy of a tie with Hunter. But on the plus side, she looks more like Mom everyday and I can't tell you how grateful I am that she's not getting her looks from me. For more evidence (and pictures with mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, Hunter, and more) check out our website at www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz.

And for the military update, I got an email letting me know that they've accepted my resignation and should be writing orders in December that will kick me out next June. So you will soon be receiving my first resume (ever). If you would be so kind as to anonymously drop it with your HR department (I don't with to drag your reputation down with me) it would be greatly appreciated. If the laughter is so loud that you can hear it from way down at your desk, then a quick trip to McDonald's is in order, and you should grab yourself a quick snack while dropping off my resume there.

Toodles,

B