365...Already? (Brandon mass email)

Hola Banditos (that's Texican for Howdy, yall)

Well, today is pretty amazing. The coolest little kid in the history of mankind is officially one year old! I couldn't believe it myself. But you know what, when something like that hits you, it sort of makes you reflect on what you've learned over the past 365.25 days. And because I have a little military still in me, I'm going to present it in a "Lessons Learned" format:

ITEM: Baby spit and cell phones.
DISCUSSION: Babies mouths are small, so they can't possibly produce enough spit to ruin a cell phone, right?
RECOMMENDATION: Don't be fooled. If you don't yet have kids, go ahead and hang on to the one you're using now so the kid has a play toy. If you have kids, better start looking for the best deal on a new one.

ITEM: Babies, Your Bed, and Gravity
DISCUSSION: Your kid is sitting in the middle of your queen size bed showing no interest in moving. You look down to check your watch, and the next thing you know the kid is on the floor SCREAMING while your wife starts yelling from the other room. You understand basic physics so you're now convinced that your child possesses supernatural powers because there is no way that Superman could have moved that fast, unless he had a time traveling cell phone, but you know your kid doesn't because she already ruined it with her baby spit.
RECOMMENDATION: When your wife says "Don't take your eyes off the kid", go ahead and heed the advice.

ITEM: Babies and remote controls
See babies and cell phones

ITEM: Baby teeth.
DISCUSSION: When your baby is born, it is absolutely adorable when she starts nibbling on your fingers and her gums are soft. Then you start noticing that she laughs when you do it, and you like to see her smile, so you make a habit of it. Then she grows her first tooth. Suddenly you realize that all you've been doing is conditioning her to bite your fingers, as well as giving her jaw a workout that has developed a clamp that makes a bear trap jealous.
RECOMMENDATION: Don't stick your hand in a mouth containing midget fangs.

ITEM: Drinking from a Sippie
DISCUSSION: If your kid is "festively plump" (remember, I can't call Allison a cake-eater anymore because I'm not allowed to make fun of her after she turns 1, even if she is wearing clothes that fit a 24 month old and she can't see her toes, but not because of her ginormous gut, but because she has them in her mouth) she will likely be late to develop skills like crawling, walking, high-fiving, or jumping in the backs of photos while giving a thumbs up, she will likely exceed expectations when it comes to eating. Allison, for one (or 2.5, given her volume) saw one of the older kids drinking from a sippie at daycare and stole it from him. She emulated him and after that morning would push bottles away.
RECOMMENDATION: If you want your kid to develop, you must first instill in them a healthy sense of dominance over other children. Then they will realize that it's okay to steal things because, despite being younger, you're bigger than the other kid and you want that thing he has in his hand. Science has proven that cage matches are the best way to teach maleable young minds. And by science I mean Michael Vick, and by maleable young minds, I mean dogs. Allegedly.

ITEM: Drinking from a cup
DISCUSSION: Dad naturally assumed the because the smartest girl ever figured out how to use a sippie at such a small age, mastering the cup would be easy. Go big or go home is what I always say, so we tried the 32 oz plastic glass in the bath tub. Allison was so cute as she tried to lift the cup full of soapy water up to her face, just like mommy and daddy do. Allison also has the strength of a 10-yr old (I'm thinking she might be a part of the steroid era, but I'm afraid she'll hit me if I bring it up, so we'll just let it go. By the way, she already has 234 home runs) and got the 80% filled cup up to her mouth and then bottoms up! Have you ever seen a child cough up her head's worth of water and then not breathe for about a minute. I have.
RECOMMENDATION: Seriously, dude, heed your wife's advice.

ITEM: Wine on the bottom of the rack.
DISCUSSION: Do you remember that big bottle of wine that you put on the bottom shelf so that, Allison can't get to it and it wouldn't break. Well apparently she can and it does.
RECOMMENDATION: I'd say cut back on the wine, but then how would I handle Allison crying? And I've now learned that dogs love the taste of wine off an infant's hand, and mom moves faster than an Allison with a baby-slobber-destroyed time machine cell phone when her little girl is near breaking glass. Basically, I recommend doing the best you can because obviously you can't read this Item without realizing that you're an unquestionably better parent than me.

ITEM: Walking into a sleeping babies room
DISCUSSION: It's your daughter's first birthday. You know she's still asleep when you leave for work, just like she is everyday. But it's a special day so you want to wish her a happy birthday before you leave. Opening the door to her room wakes her. She smiles at you, and you pick her up and whisper happy birthday in your ear. She smiles again and, although she isn't really old enough to know how to hug, she wraps her arms around your neck and squeezes. You love this little girl. You put her back down and tell her to get some good sleep, you'll see her tonight when you get back from work. You see the look of realization in her eyes that you are leaving. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and nearly breaks the windows with her scream, consequently waking mom. Way to make her first birthday special jackass.
RECOMMENDATION: Dude, seriously, how are you still married?

Yup, I think I've just summarized every thought I've had since Allison was born. You should definitely check out http://theschrenks.shutterfly.com/ to see the new casa, and http://allisonschrenk.shutterfly.com/ for the birthday girl. If you're going to be in the Houston area this weekend, I strongly recommend you stop by at 1pm on Saturday for Allison's party. Otherwise, stay tuned for pictures of Allison eating her first donut, maybe some cake.

Hasta.
B

PS...If you talk to Clark, let him know that you saw me typing this at home and that I wasn't wasting time at the sweet ass job that he hooked me up with.

PPS...A reminder to folks new to the Schrenk Newsletter - you're always free to ask me to take you off the distro, it won't hurt my feelings. But if your name is Greg Jennings, I won't entertain the request.