Xmas letter and why our voicemail compels us to lie (Brandon Mass Email)

Good news kids...the Broncos are going to win the Superbowl. This thing is playing out just like Star Wars. "Vader" and "the Emperor" came to Denver last night and, just like the first time Luke faced Vader, Brady swiftly cut off Tebow's hand...But remember how the movie ended? With a Bronco superbowl and the shocking revelation that Tom
Brady is Tim Tebow's father!!

Anyway, we're mailing Christmas cards out today so in about a week I'll submit the electronic copy via email,
http://theschrenks.blogspot.com, and (if I can remember my password) facebook.

Also remember, if you want a hardcopy send me a email with your address (to make sure we have the most recent one) or the most surefire way to get one is to send us your card!!

But now more about the dark side of the force influences us to lie. Our house phone was getting staticy (gmail says this isn't a word, but gmail is dumb. Gmail also says gmail isn't a word) so we got a new one. This forced us to re-record our voicemail message which goes something like this:

Hi, you've reached the Schrenks. We can't get to the phone right now, so please leave your name, number and a message after the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Thanks!.

LIES, LIES, LIES!!!! WHY DO WE DO IT????

Let's examine.

"Hi"

Really? We're not talking to you, we're leaving you a list of instructions. No one has ever received a honey-do list that said "Hi. Mow the Lawn. Take out the trash. Take down the Christmas lights because it's March." Even as I look through the instructions to the phone that we just bought, it doesn't say "hi", but it is kind of cool in that it starts "congratulations on the purchase of....".

"You've reached the Schrenks"

No you haven't - if you'd reached the Schrenks we'd be talking right now. You reached the Schrenk's voicemail (which is probably a relief if you have ever talked to me on the phone).

"We can't get to the phone right now"

I'd say this is true 1 out of 5 times - and of course that one time is when you're calling. Thanks to caller ID and the fact that most people who I want to talk to have my cell phone number, I'm not getting off the couch unless it's Tim Tebow or someone who's going to tell Amy about something stupid I've done.

"so please leave your name, number and a message after the beep"

When answering machines first came out this was an absolutely necessary instruction. But even homeless guys are playing angry birds on the I-phones they're hiding behind the cardboard signs, so this is really a waste of time and belittles the intelligence of any being who is calling your number. The other problem is that these instructions

are incredibly vague and if I've ever called you, you know that my voicemails are like my emails - Far too long, unlikely to get to a point, and come at a time when something more important was going on.

"and we'll get back to you as soon as we can."

As soon as we can? Holy cow, this is an incredibly bold promise. Remember if you leave a message on our house phone that Amy made this promise, not mine. I don't ever erase any messages because my attention span is about 7 seconds and it takes my machine 10 seconds to say "you received a phone call from (fill in the blank) at (fill in

the time) on (fill in the day)" so by the time you're actually talking I'm already lost in the ceiling fan's spin.

"Thanks!"

There is no guarantee that you've followed our instructions so thanking you sort of forces you to either leave a message you didn't want to, or walk away a liar yourself because you didn't actually do something that you received a reward for (and we all know a thanks from a Schrenk is about the highest reward one can ever hope to obtain
in this life.)

So I challenge all of you to be more honest and to leave these instructions on the voicemail:

Congratulations! You have reached the voicemail of the Schrenk's phone. We either can't get to the phone, saw it was you and whatever we're doing is more important than talking to you, or we're being so lazy that we don't even care who is on the phone so we're not answering it. You can try our cells but if it's either of the latter two reasons just listed is the case your luck won't be any better. If you want us to call you back, please leave your name, number, and describe what you want in 20 words or less. If you are unaware that you have to wait for the beep to start talking, please hang up right now and destroy any evidence you have of our number so you never call us back. If we really want to talk to you we will get back to you right away, otherwise please be prepared to wait until we have done

everything else we feel is more important than your call or until Brandon remembers to tell Amy that you left a message, which could take days. If you've followed these instructions, thanks! If you chose not to, we're glad we didn't make you a liar.

'tis the season for honesty, right?

B