Bow down before me... (Brandon Mass Email)

Greetings minions.

That's right, I am now Master Schrenk, or possibly G-Rand Master B (wicky wicky).  If you can believe it I've served my time with the University of Houston and I'm now a Master of Chemical Engineering.  If this is not blatant proof that the educational system in America has completely failed then you don't know me that well.  It kind of makes you wonder if you really want socialized healthcare in this country - do you really want idiots to live forever?

Speaking of living forever I'm about to commence the 32nd annual celebration of me not dying!  Some of you call them birthdays but that's dumb.  I've never really thought of 32 as being that old but here are a few crazy facts:

1) On Christmas, I will be closer to social security than I will be to my own birth.  Well, the current age for social security at least since we all know it won't be there because of the Demo...Repub...wait, which Political Party did the reality TV show tell me I was supposed to hate?
2) The Berlin wall has been down for 2/3 of my life
3) I have known the friends I met in college for longer than the show "Friends" was on TV.
4) I have lived in my house longer than the show "House" was on TV 
5) If you add the age of my children, divide that number by how old I am, and then divide that number by the age of my children, and then multiply that number by how old I am, you get 1.  This will be the only year that this trick works.  And as long as I don't tell you which year this is, the statement I just made will be true.
6) I have dogs that are older than the patent for viagra.  I'm not sure how the two are related, but that makes me pretty old.
7) I can remember when people used to tell Chuck Norris jokes that were funny.  Nowadays all we have are "the most interesting man in the world", who's not only not interesting, but I heard he's a chick.  And of course by chick I mean not funny.
8) John Lennon died the year that I was born - he was 32 years old. Well actually he was forty, but the reason I tell this story is that he and I are (were?) both pretty popular, so I want to give the crazies on this list an 8 year head start not to kill me when I'm forty because you love me too much.  Thanks in advance.

This was going to be a top ten list, but when you're as old as me you get tired earlier, so I'll leave you with one last thought.  Did you know that the University of Houston's mascot is a Cougar?  Did you know that Amy is about my age?  So here's that thought that was promised earlier:

I stopped being a Cougar at about the same time Amy started being one.

Hugs and kisses,
B