6 Reasons My Life Is Over (Brandon mass email)

Alright, think of your worst day ever. Now think of having a headache on that day. Now think of a gorrilla punching you in the face. Now multiply that by 60. Then add 1. You're almost me.

That's right, I'm having a girl. I'm man enough to admit my wife owns me, so I can't even imagine what this little wonder is going to do to me. And the odds of her being a state champion wrestler just went down noticeably.

Actually, we're both very excited. I don't think I'll ever be mature enough to raise the child, so I'm thankful Amy will be there to do all the work. I think she'll have proper motivation however, because she is raising the first Iota Zeta chapter of Alpha Phi potential legacy. Unfortunately I'll never let her go to Colorado School of Mines - there are dudes there. Actually, she's never going to school because guys go to school. I've already decided that she's not allowed to date until she's 35, or until I'm dead, w! hichever one rhymes with NEVER.

I wanted to name her Allison Sierra. Pretty name, right? Amy said we couldn't. Something about the initials. Girls and their logic.

If you haven't yet, you need to call Amy to congratulate her. If this is going to be the first time you've called her since I've deployed, I'm a little disappointed in you. But you can win back my respect. If, however, you continue to deny your responsibility to check on my wife when I can't, well I'd say that makes you an Allison Sierra Schrenk.

As for me out here in the desert, I'm doing just fine. Haven't seen a camel for a couple of weeks, but I imagine most camels just hang out at home spitting on each other when it's 90 degrees on March 1st. I'm still having fun, though. I really appreciate the emails and clever responses I get to these mass emails. Mostly I'! m just impressed that people aren't just trashing them when they see my name.

If you guys need any sand or anything, just let me know. Other than that I don't have a whole lot of souvenirs to bring home. Anybody want a little girl in about 5 months? Just kidding Amy.

Alright, it's time for bed. I hope everybody feels as blessed as I do.

-B-