Disney questions (Brandon Mass Email) [redaction included]

Well ladies and somethings, we just finished another successful journey to the second greatest place on earth (the first is still, of course, standing between Ed McCaffrey and and Troy Tulowitzki) and yet again I'm left with more questions than answers.

Why is it that if Snow White is drugged and passed out and Prince Charming goes up and kisses her he ends up with a smoking hot wife and walks away a hero, but if I were to do the same thing to some random hottie, I'd end up a sex offender and walk away with a restraining order?

So Monsters Inc is the story of two guys who, because of their job, don't have time for girlfriends and they empower their community by coming out of the closet...did I get that right?

Does Ariel realize how lucky she is that when she was stranded alone on the beach without a voice, that she ran into Prince Eric and not Ben Rothlesberger?

SPOILER ALERT...IF YOU INTEND TO SEE TANGLED AND HAVEN'T ALREADY, THIS NEXT THOUGHT ISN'T FOR YOU - Is the moral of Rapunzel that we're all searching for that girl whose tears heal us? Like I wake up next to this girl, ask her if she's getting fatter and then Wham! Hangover cured?

And why does Cinderella's fairy godmother turn a pumpkin into a coach, a mouse into a HORSE, and a HORSE into a coachman? Admittedly I don't have any experience with magic, but I think I could have saved you a step there.

Speaking of Cinderella, here's how I'm suspecting the story really goes. Girl lives with dad alone, then dad gets remarried and dies. Girl goes off the deep end and starts having conversations with birds and mice. New stepmother, either for the girl's safety or from sheer embarrasment makes her live in the attic so no one can see her. One night when the girl's stepsisters are going to a ball, Cindy comes down the stairs wearing some dress that fit her when she was 13 and that she claims "the birds and mice fixed it for me". When the stepmother tells her she can't go outside like that, Cindy looks down, sees the torn, ratty dress and starts screaming about how they tore her dress and runs into the forest. Stepmother takes the non-crazies to the ball.

That night Cindy talks to her "fairy godmother" (could be an imaginary friend, could be some crazy chick who lives out in the forest - If bibbity-bobbity-boo sounds anything less than cat-lady-crazy babble, you should probably go check in with a psychologist for a second) and Cindy is somehow convinced to tie 6 mice to a pumpkin and takes this, her horse, and her dog to the party. I think I've run this gag into the ground, so we'll move onto the next source of confusion.

How is it that in Up (which I love, and strongly recommend) the house contains millions of balloons and stays solidly on the ground, but once the balloons are pushed out the windows...Liftoff?

Why didn't I see any Josh McDaniels merchandise in the store that sold all of the villian stuff?

How is it that Toy Story 3 (which might be my favorite movie, ever) didn't win best picture Oscar, but that terrible song from Toy Story 3 that whats-his-name wrote (and I use the term loosely because even distracted I can come up with more coherent and clever sentences) did? Between this and Avatar's nomination, the Academy is on really thin ice.

Alright, kiddos, that's all for now. You really ought to go check out theschrenks.blogspot.com because my kids are awesome and you can see awesome pictures of awesome kids being awesome on our awesome website. It's awesome.

B

PS...This took much too long, but here is the long overdue shout out to Lieutenant Commander J - you are a badass, my friend,and you deserve it. Now go freshen up the Admiral's coffee.

PSS (or PPS, I can't ever remember how that works)

+++NOTE, THIS IS WHERE THE REDACTION BEGINS++++

The prior email sent requires redaction but I'm so confused as to how it was sent without me actually pushing the "Send" button, that I've lost all steam so instead of the diatribe I was preparing, I'll instead just say - if you have a kid, get a promotion, or drink a whole gallon of milk in a minute without throwing up, send me an email so 1) I know, and 2) I can give you the proper shoutout.

By the way, gmail offered a definition of redaction on the side column, and I'm easily distracted so I clicked, and I came across the miriam-webster site which offers not only definitions and synonyms but also "words that rhyme". Do you think they did this because they are tired of rappers who try to rhyme "ducking" and "thugging" or "simple"and "nympho".

Anyway, for any of you 8-mile battlers looking to bust out some tight rhymes and want to include redaction you may want to consider:

abstraction, attraction, bolt-action, class action, compaction, crossaction, detraction, diffraction, distraction, inaction, infraction, job action, live-action, olfaction, protraction, reaction, stop-action, subtraction, or transaction.

Word to your mother
B