Celebrating our Elwayeth year... (Brandon Mass Email)

Well kids, time flies when you waste the time of the woman of your dreams. It's hard to believe but Amy and I are at the seven year (hence the Elway reference in the subject line for you heathens) itch. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't fear that Amy's going to figure it out and pursue the kind of guy that she deserves, but in the mean time I thought I might revisit our vows and let you all in on the little secrets we have that keep Amy on the preferred side of the knife's edge of her leaving me:

Love is patient, love is kind - Amy married me...enough said

It does not envy - There is no reason to envy anyone - I snagged the best wife ever, so I just sit back and watch all the other fellas envy me!

it does not boast - Amy has never bragged to any of her friends about me.

it is not proud - I've spent so many nights on the couch that I haveno pride left

It is not rude - Amy reads, or pretends to read, every one of my mass emails

it is not self-seeking - Amy reminds me of one of those people who, out of the kindness of their heart, dedicate their nights and weekends to helping Marginally Functional "Handicapables" (MFHs) so they don't have to live in a home. The rest of the time she sends that MFH to go engineer at work.

it is not easily angered - I have to forget to take out the trash after being asked three times in one day before getting yelled at.

it keeps no record of wrongs - except when I forget to take out the trash, forget to pick up the kids, forget to put the dogs outside, forget her birthday, tell her that the margarita chicken was an okay dinner but there were a bunch of other dinners I'd prefer so I don't really want her to make it again, or try to blow dry the cat's hair while Amy was using the blowdryer - I had no way of knowing that Stupid's claws were that long, that she would jump TOWARDS the hair dryer, or that your beautiful, youthful, goddess-like face would bethat close to a Mortal Combat meets Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon airborne, cat paw swipe. It was an honest mistake that any dude who's never tried to blow dry a cat's hair might make.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth - except when asking "Do these jeans make my butt look big?", "Is the new engineer at work pretty", or after a discussion about how terrible someone has been to her, offering any suggestion other than "What a rhymes-with-which".

It always protects - Amy defends the way I dress to all who may question it. Her typical response is "of course he dresses like that, he's a dad"

always trusts - Prenups for all!

always hopes - hope springs eternal in my mind, especially after I send a mass email.

always perseveres - seven years seems pretty severe, doesn't it?

Alright, I'm glad to share this with you, but this next part is just for Amy, so I need you to quit reading for a second.

Are you done reading? Cool.

Amy, I told everyone to look away so we could have a private moment. Ed McCaffrey knows I'm no poet, so I've spent the last few months trying to gather some of the most meaningful phrases I could grab from Post-Rennaisance poets and copying their timeless work to describe my love to you. So here we go:

FAMOUS POET LINE (from the emperor of eloquence, 50 Cent)

I love you like fat kid love cake

MY ATTEMPTS

I love you like Engineer love E-2 Paper

I love you like Russell Crowe love throwing phones at people.

I love you like Hunter love crotch

FAMOUS POET LINE (From the unquestionable lyrical genius, Bruno Mars)

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
Take a bullet straight through my brain

MY ATTEMPTS - I've lost many hours, mostly because the absurdity of allowing someone to put me in these weird situations has kept me up most of the night, trying to figure out what I would do if I had to for ya...so here are the unecessarily dangerous things that I would do for your love:

I'd eat Pop Rocks and chase it with Diet Coke for ya

Go down an Olympic ice luge for ya

I'd use a cell phone while pumping my gas for ya (wait, I just Snoped it and that isn't true, so I guess that doesn't prove my love)

Drive in South Compton at night and if I see a car without its headlights on, I'd flash my brights at them, for ya

Wash the bathroom with Clorox and Ammonia at the same time for ya

I'd hint that I'd wash the bathroom, when you know dang well it's going to remind you that I never clean up the bathroom after making a mess and you usually yell at me and I usually feel bad, but not always because one time I was playing Zuma instead of cleaning the bathroom and I scored over 1.2 million, which made me feel really good, so I pretended to feel bad, but didn't really, and you could tell which made you angrier and you started yelling more than usual and it made for a rough couple of days and only an idiot would do anything like remind you about something that stupid, especially in a mass email, for ya.

I love you, Princess. Now I'm going to let everybody go back to reading my email.

Alright, kids, I'm back. Thank you for giving me that time alone with Amy - with the kiddos we don't get a lot of time alone anymore.

I hope the rest of you get to have the kind of happiness that I've had for the last seven years, and I'm hoping it continues for the next 4 times Tebow years (4 x 15 = 60, heathens) or more.

Happy Anniversary, dear. Please, please, no more wire hangers.

B