The only thing worse than a Schrenk email, is a poorly put together Schrenk email (Brandon Mass Email)

Let me first apologize because as I've stated many times, these emails are mostly random thoughts collected over time and carefully crafted with clever segues. Then Allison and Jordan correct the spelling and the grammar and then the finished product is delivered straight to your electronic doorstep. Unfortunately I haven't had time to work on the segues, and I haven't really seen the kids in the last three months (my advice, don't be stupid and take 9 credit hours while working) so this is a jumbled mess chock full of stuff that made me laugh. I hope it does the same for you...

So I've been paying close attention to the nursery rhymes I've been teaching my children and it's amazing how creepy they are. Lullabys about babies falling off of breaking tree branches, children holding hands and "ringing around the rosy" (if you don't know, that's a song about the plague), and something about a monkey chasing a weasel around a mulberry bush? So here's what I've come to surmise after hours of thought and zero actual investigation:

Centuries ago these must have been popular songs to warn people of the dangers monkeys chasing weasels and precariously balancing your baby in the ever popular tree bassinet. As with most art (i.e. somehow Gulliver's Travels became a kids book) once the meaning of the song disappeared and the catchiness of the tune took over, they became songs you'd sing to a kid. This leads me to a scary thought... in 2200 AD there is going to be some new mother cuddling her darling baby and whispering, ever-so-lovingly into its ear, "To the window...to thewalls..."

So Jordan has taken a liking to dog food. Then she tried to bite the dog. How often do you get to tell your kid "Stop putting dog food in your mouth" followed by "Stop putting the dog as food in your mouth"

Then the dog kissed her. An open mouth kiss. I started realizing that one day I'm going to see a boy (or a girl, I'm not biased...it would just suck cause it can't be sexy if she's your daughter) kissing her and I started to realize that seeing her in a lip lock is not going to make me happy. Then I thought about it, and I thought about Hunter, and I thought about the doofus her mom ended up settling for and I realized...she could do worse.

So I started Grad School. The wierdest part about it was watching all the young kids running around a little lost and overwhelmed. I can remember back when I was 18 and ackward? That seems so long ago and it's wierd to think how much life has changed since those days. Now I'm almost 30 and ackward.

So you want to know about a gross combination? Think about your youngest learning how to blow her nose and really taking to it. Then realize that her favorite toy is her burp rag...gross.

So you should all be named Traci because then I would mistakenly call you when I'm trying to call my bosses boss. Then you should all be like Traci and answer your phone. Then you should be like Traci and be awesome and make me laugh. How come you're not more like Traci? If you were more like Traci you'd get a mega-paragraph-shoutout.

So I started realizing the other day that I only have girls and my contributions to the family tree branch end with them - No more Schrenks. The funny part about that is that as I'm looking over the names on this list, about 80% of you didn't even know my name was Brandon until you'd known me for a year or more, and better than half of that still call me Schrenk. Well Amy and I have mostly decided that we are done with kids because babies are a lot like puppies - the cuteness wears off quickly when the drooling, peeing on stuff, and whining starts. The primary difference between babies and puppies is that the babies won't shut up when you smack them with a newspaper...

I have a social experiment and I need your input. I've noticed in my classes, and I'm remembering back from the undergrad days, that there is always that girl who sits in the front row wearing GIANT earrings(if you were that girl, probably better stop reading about now). She always asks the stupidest questions that leave anyone with half a brain asking..."were you not listening to the last four words out of the professor's mouth..quit asking stupid questions".

So here's my hypothesis...the bigger the earrings, the smaller the brain. Now I'm not saying that anyone who wears big earrings is dumb, because big earrings have their place, I've just noticed that the only people I notice wearing Ginormous earrings on a daily basis tend to have the air blow through the wind chime attached to her right earlobe when I'm talking on the left side of her head. Talk amongst yourselves and get back to me.

And to Josh McDaniels and Pat Bowlen, I was wrong to question you. Consider yourselves back on the Christmas Card list.

I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owedme a lot of money.' - Jack Handey

B