My kid is starting school (Brandon Mass Email)

To everybody reading this email...I'm sorry that the Rapture came and you're all still here with me. But on the plus side, at least you get another seven years of Schrenk mass emails, right? The funniest part about the whole thing is that those poor souls who moved on will never know who won American Idol or Dancing with the (almost and used to be) Stars seasons 134 and 122, respectively.

All right, to all of the heathens who have obviously nothing better to do and the Christians I haven't offended so much they've decided to give up on this email let's talk about how old my kids are getting (or, in reality, let me use my kids as an excuse to talk about myself and how old I'm getting).

I can't believe it's that time already but we just signed Allison up for KINDERGARTEN! I can remember the whole time Amy was pregnant thinking "she has Amy and me as parents, there is no way this chick can be be anything less than a perfect, charming, angelic genius". Then she was born and all I could think was "I will give anything, anything at all, just to make sure I don't screw this kid up." Lucky for me, now that she's starting school, I have 12 (maybe 13) teachers I can blame for any social or intellectual defects she may develop.

I'm nervous and excited, no doubt about it, but I'm sure most of my concerns are the same as any other parents (and realize most are based on my own insecurities and desires) -

"Will she like school?"
"Will her teacher be hot?"
"Will she make friends?"
"Will her friends have hot moms?"
"How will I react the first time a little boy tries to talk to my daughter?"
"How will I react when I have to explain that the black eye and broken ribs came from a five year old kicking my butt after I gave him the evil eye for looking at my daughter?"
"How will she handle getting teased?"
"How will I react when all of her friends at her birthday party make fun of me?"

I'll keep you updated on these situations as they progress - wish me the best!

Speaking of a failed school system, now it's time to talk about kid number 2. I'm betting most of you are thinking the same thing I am...wait when did they have a second kid? Well, all I can say to that is "Sucks to be kid #2 through (n-1), where n is the number of kids you have when you finally have the sex you were shooting for the first time you thought about kids."

But as I was saying about kid #2 (I think her name is Jordan) we celebrated her 3rd birthday party at Chuck E Cheese (I totally destroyed this one little girl at air hockey, but I'm a smart gambler who always leaves when I'm ahead so I didn't play any adults that day) and as Jordan is leaving she takes her tickets to the counter, points to little plastic dish and asks for the "swordfish". There is a shark, a stingray, a hammerhead shark, and an octopus. The Chuck E Cheese girl lays out an assorted handful of sea life and I tell Jordan to grab the swordfish. She picks up the hammerhead shark and smiles at the lady with a big grin says, "thank you VERY much!". The lady giggles at her, then looks at me and says, "She sure is a smart little thing - I didn't know that was called a swordfish..." If this is what Pearland Elementary School has to offer, maybe it is time to take Nathan's advice and homeschool.

Now enough about the kids. Seriously, people just need to stick to wearing baseball hats - anything more is a little ridiculous. Guys need to stop wearing fedoras. Girls need to stop wearing those hats from the eighties. Pretty much, stick to this - Baseball hats if it's sunny or you're bald and especially when it's sunny and you're bald. Oh yeah, and when you're playing baseball. If you're on a construction site or in a plant a hard hat is acceptable. If you're in the military, the proper cover for the uniform you're wearing is acceptable. If you need to get laid, a cowboy hat is acceptable and encouraged.

Finally, long awaited shoutouts!!

R - I realize it only took 3 years of immediate mass email replys to finally get a reply back to you, but I wouldn't miss this opportunity to get you your shoutout. Congratulations on looking so good running shirtless at the zoo. Oh yeah, and on getting married, that was pretty cool too :) I wish you a lifetime of happiness buddy!
Quick note: Anyone requesting a shoutout in their thank you card from a wedding present most assuredly gets first rite of Schrenk-mass-email-shout-outerdom.

W's shirt, congratulations for still looking sexy even after I spilled that glass on red wine on you at R's wedding.

A, congrats on A G! Anyone smart enough to give there little girl the initials A.G. is undoubtedly one of the finest people on the planet.

L, congratulations on being a real doctor and the best of luck in the great white north. We're still bummed that we couldn't get back for your party but we're very excited for you. I hope Josh likes the role of stay at home dad hanging on to the coattails of his wildly successful, bread winning wife. I also hope he doesn't suck at this job because he tends to suck at most things.

H, congrats on being a kind of doctor! I can now officially say that Allison's Godmother is a drug dealer and I don't quite know how to properly thank someone for that...

K, kiddo number two is adorable and we can't wait for you and D and S to get back (and M to get) down here to see us. Send me a reply right now telling me when you'll be here. I'm not
kidding, send it right now.

D, congrats on Grumpy and my deepest of apologies if that's a term only to be used by family and I'm overstepping my bounds. Amy and I are really happy for you guys and think you are going to be an amazing mom. I've never had the chance to tell you that you turned my world
upside down and made me ten times the parent I was after 8 small words mouthed at Old Chicago..."Oh, that's the kind of parents you are." Thank you, thank you, thank you. Congrats again.

I will now leave you with the sagely advice I was rewarded with today. I tried explaining to Amy that the fool is not the person who makes the mistake, but the fool is the person who continues to make the same mistake again and again. She then pointed out that the real fool is
the person who points out a mistake his wife makes and then calls her a fool. Two Shay.

-B-