Did you know TULO HIT FOR THE CYCLE! (Brandon Mass Email)

So Amy tells me about this show she wants to see about two girls living together at college that’s loosely based on the Wizard of Oz. Now guys, I know you’re all thinking the same thing that I am…some cleverly titled coed porn at my wife’s suggestion…PIBB AND RED BULL CRAZY AWESOME! Turns out she wanted to go see Wicked. For the ladies in the crowd, the show was fantastic and fun, the music was great, and the singers were incredible. For the guys in the crowd, not one boob (green or normal colored) but the flying monkeys were pretty sweet. You know what else is sweet? TULO HIT FOR THE CYCLE!

I tried writing an email a few weeks ago about all of the cool stuff that’s been happening over the last month including Allison’s third birthday where we celebrated how stupidly hot Texas is by stabbing melted ice cream with plastic spoons, putting up a swingset, trips to Colorado for a friend and her husband’s wedding, etc., but I couldn’t find any magic there. If you want real updates and clever rhetoric, you go to theschrenks.blogspot.com. But I know you want low brain wave, uninteresting, and “holy crap this guy is boring and tries too hard” writing that’s why you’re still with me. You know what else is still with me? TULO HIT FOR THE CYCLE!

So to get this party started, let’s talk Micheal Vick. So apparently Josh McDaniels hates having quality quarterbacks on his team (or is trying to make the team lose so we can get the number one pick and get Tebow or McCoy…wait, we traded that pick) and missed out on a gem. Vick, you say…you did say, right?... but do you really want the controversy surrounding him? Well kids, I have the solution. We have a failing economy, and when I heard about the kind of money that Vick was making, there is an obvious market for dog fighting and I thought “why not fund this through the government and use the taxes to keep buying clunkers and supplement the unaffordable energy prices we’re about to see because our new government officials are promoting wholly unrealistic emission expectations based on unproved scientific theories”. But, you ask…you did ask right?... what to do with the dogs ? When a bull dies after a bullfight in Spain, the meat is donated to orphanages. Taking a logical step forward, the obvious solution is to teach orphans to EAT PIT BULLS! Kind of an ironic twist, eh, kids eating the pit bulls? Now I can’t do this alone but with your help we can make it happen. Please send monetary donations to the Benevolent Readiness Action Needed by those Demonstrating Obvious Need to Stop Canine Hurt and pRovide Edible Nutrients to Kids at:

B.R.A.N.D.O.N.S.C.H.R.E.N.K

Together we can make the world better. You know what else made the world better? TULO HIT FOR THE CYCLE!

Oh, I also had jury duty. The only reason I bring this up is because I play softball with one of the judges and got to go have coffee with him before duty. The only reason I bring this up is because now I know a judge so I want the rest of my JD friends (or “starter wives” as you shall henceforth be known) that it was fun and you are all great people, it’s not you it’s me, but I’ve met someone else. I took the $10 I made from Jury duty and used it to buy diapers...yeah, in case you can't tell from the mass emails, I am that lame. You know what isn't lame? TULO HIT FOR THE CYCLE!

Alright, I owe some people some shoutouts. To E and J, possibly my two most fervent and loyal readers, thank you for taking my still drunk posterior to a Colorado airport at 6am...I don't deserve you.

G, you stopped a rumor about me (which I’m pretty sure you started), saved a kitten from a forest fire (which I’m pretty sure you started), and found a cure for AIDS (which I’m pretty sure you started), you sir have earned your shoutout.

A (M, you’re going to have to forward this one or maybe send me her email so she can be added to the list) you deserve a shoutout for sticking with your toolbag husband for this long…but I still recommend seeking greener pastures because if M is your baseline then the grass is greener just about everywhere else.

B, congrats on your marriage, thank you for one of the best weddings I’ve ever attended, and thanks for taking care of R. But, in the effort to save email room (which you’re well aware I strive diligently and unequivocally to conserve) see the above M comments and realize that it runs in the family.

And lastly, thank you to S for without her I may have entirely forgot one of my favorite email lines about Tulowitzki. You know what else is one of my favorite email lines about Tulowitzki? TULO HIT FOR THE CYCLE!

-B-