Ohh, Hey-ro (Brandon mass email)

If you don't understand the title of this email, you must drop everything and go see Team America: World Police. It's quite possibly the greatest movie ever...Gosh.

So wassa happenen kids? Let me tell you, it's been a crazy couple of weeks. Where do I even start?

First, GOLDFINGER HAS A NEW ALBUM!!

Distant second, ORDERS DON'T MEAN A DAMN THING!! For those of you who don't speak Navy, orders are the correspondence that direct you to where you go next. They are hard to get and detailers (the people who decide your fate) usually wait until the last possible second of sanity to get them to you, but once you have them you're usually guaranteed that job...unless your name is Brandon Schrenk and you are ridiculously good looking.

As some of you knew, Amy and I were slated for sunny San Diego. I was making plans for blue, clear water and a foreign country visit in the form of a Mexican honeymoon cruise. Instead I'm now spending the next two years in the brown, polluted waters of Biloxi, with a six month minimum foreign country visit in...well, turn on CNN and you'll see the country I have an 80% chance of visiting.

On the plus side, I will now be a part of NMCB 7. For those of you who don't speak Navy (see paragraph 4) that stands for Naval Mobile Construction Battalion Seven, affectionately known as the Seabees (Construction Battallion...CBs...get it?) Aside from not going to San Diego, Amy and I are looking forward to this tour because on the plus side I will have a pretty cool job, we have a bunch of cool friends down here, I've never been to Iraq before, and after this tour I will most likely never have to live in Biloxi again. On the downside this ensures two more years of hurricanes, rednecks, and no Best Buys.

Don't worry about the reception parties, however, those still stand. I expect to see every one of you in San Antonio TX this weekend, Longmont CO on May 14th and St Louis MO on May 21st.
Also, because we'll be here for a while, Amy and I are considering buying our first house. And if we have a house, of course we'regetting a dog. Personally I'm looking for either a great dane or a greyhound that loves the taste of kitten. Please keep your eyes open for me.

I have a feeling that Amy is going to hit me after reading that last comment because she's like that. Then I'm going to say "It was worth it because your cat is dumb" because I'm terrible at comebacks.

On that note, I'm ending this email with one of my favorite jokes:

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Give up?

Take the "S" out of "Safe" and the "F" out of "way".

If it hasn't come to you yet, say the last sentence out loud. Then continue your thought process out loud. Do this and I guarantee you will laugh like a man who's just seen his cat become a large dog's appetizer (paragraph 8)

Hoo-rah and keep the faith, mon.

-B-

PS.. I've attached a picture which should explain why I was destined to become a part of NMCB 7...

As promised (Brandon mass email)

Here are the pictures of Amy's new cat. I think I've already spent more money on this thing in the first week than I have on myself inthe last two years.

Her name is Snickers (a.k.a "Retard", "Get out of there!" and "Come here while I practice juggling knives") and she is 12 weeks old and 3.5 pounds. She has ear mites and a respiratory infection - that must run in the family.

If you're wondering, that is the toy dinosaur....
-B-

Good News (Brandon mass email)

Well kids, we made it home.

Just as I suspected, Ivan ran from me like a cute little redneck bunny wearing overalls and no shoes...whatever that means. On the plus side, we still have a place to live with all of the modern amenities still working. On the down side I was unable to liquidate Amy's clothes and use the profits to buy a new guitar and a big screen TV. We'll call that a draw.

Another lesson learned - I have a superpower. Through a weakness in my body I've developed a sinus infection that allows me to cough so hard that I end up with asthma-like symptoms which stop my ability to breathe for up to 20 seconds. They've given my drugs and tell me I'll heal, but I promise to learn to harness this ability. But will it befor good or evil?

While I was on these drugs Amy somehow managed to get me to agree to buying a cat. I've checked with the base JAG and he's assured me, unfortunately, that verbal contracts cannot be retracted on the virtue of temporary retardation, so it looks like we're getting a cat. I've tried to convince Amy that the kid in the appt next door has a cat, and that cats are easier to steal than toy dinosaurs, but she justdoesn't listen to reason. So this weekend we'll be out on the prowl(pictures to follow, I'm sure). My biggest concern is that a cat is a lot of responsibility. Just what kind of commitment is Amy expecting from me?

I've also learned a little something over the last couple of days, and I'd like to give some of you guys some advice. Many times I've been told that I should shut my mouth before I dig the hole any deeper. Well, it turns out that if you dig the hole deep enough she can't reach you.

Dance 'til you fall, love 'til you die, shut your mouth...raise the roof,
-B-

Greetings from San Antonio (Brandon mass email)

That's right, I bravely put my tail between my legs and ran with ferver from Ivan. We took all of our important stuff (wedding pictures, McCaffery and Elway jerseys, beer lamps, the toy dinosaur I stole from that kid who lives in the appt next door, and my bottle of Crown Royal Reserve) and high-tailed it.

Some of you had been wondering what I was doing while all of this was going on, so I've decided to keep you informed. Well, actually, no one seemed to care and I'm sending this email because it gives theappearance that I have lots of friends who care about me :)

But in all seriousness, we need to help those people down in the Mississippi/Alabama area through this tragedy. I don't even know if I have a house left, but I'll let you know as soon as I
1) Can even get back to Gulfport
2) Know if I have a house
3) Have the items required, or if they've been damaged or stolen
4) Have electrical power to my house so I can send another email
5) Etc.

I've also taken it upon myself to start a relief fund to help those in need. If you are interested, please send your money to the BenevolentReadiness Action Needed by those Demonstrating Obvious Need And Needing Donations Around Mississippi and Yearning to Secure Cash for Hurricane Relief to Everyone Needing Kindness.

Checks can be mailed to:
B.R.A.N.D.O.N.A.N.D.A.M.Y.S.C.H.R.E.N.K.
1525 E Pass Rd #1013
Gulfport MS 39507

And remember, give early and give often; these people need your help.

I hope you all are doing well, and honestly I'm a little scared that by the time I get back I won't have an appt to live in, and that all of the stuff we've left will have been stolen, but you know what...life goes on. That, and my renter's insurance is good for up to $40,000 and I have friends who'll let me sleep on their couch and let Amy sleep on the floor (they're top notch fellas!)

We'll see ya when we see ya!
-B-

It's been awhile (Brandon mass email)

Greetings youngins,

It's been awhile since I rapped atcha so I figured it's about that time. I'm writing you from my newest email account (I think I have about 80 now) so you can mark that down in your book of stuff you don't need to know or care about.

This email is going to be kind of somber, but I think it will contain some important info.
I just went to the funeral of a friend's wife yesterday. She was only fifty-seven years old. I'm counting on making it to 63, so this messed with my universe. But it also made me think about my funeral, and despite anything Amy has to say, here are the ground rules when I kick it:

1) No matter what I'm wearing on the outside, my McCaffery jersey is underneath.
2) Don't display my lifeless body in a casket. Instead show a picture of me with two thumbs up - that's how I want to be remembered, and how most of you remember me anyway.
3) The funeral will have an open bar with a minimum of two kegs of fat tire.
4) No one gets to leave until they have told everyone a story about something I did that was really stupid (that should take awhile). If the story was funny, you can bring a guest. I guess funny things I said or did will be acceptable too.
5) For every tear you shed, it will cost you one second either under Bag-O or on a keg stand.
6) No one drives home drunk.
7) My Jimmies Chicken Shack CD will be given out as a door prize.
8) a. A TV in the background will alternate between the Superbowl XXXII video and "Elway's Greatest Comebacks" for the duration of the funeral.
b. Every time Eddy catches a ball during the superbowl video someone has to yell "that is the greatest football player, EVER!"
9) Sometime during the night, the Schmigs will sing "American Pie"and the Navy folks sing "You've lost that loving feeling". It doesn'thave to be at the same time but that's your call.
10) You are encouraged to wear hawaiin shirts.
11) The cheap-shot game is in full force.

This is just a basic list so far and as the years go by I'll make some more rules. I hope I haven't offended anyone and I'm not trying tomake light of something serious, but I've never liked how funerals are approached and I want mine to be done right.

Other than that, life has been good. The Broncos start on Sunday and assuming Hurricane Ivan doesn't relocate us you can be damn sure I'llbe drunk in my appt watching them tear apart the Chefs. Then on September 21 the last installment of Steven King's Dark Tower series comes out! I'm happier than a cat scratchin' shit (that's a MS statement; and you say they're backwards down here...)

You should all respond and let me know how you've been, how the foreign country you've been in for the last year was, send another email complaining about how I never return your emails, tell me how everything went with him, tell me how everything went with her, tell me how the kid(s) is (are), and more importantly when you're coming down to Borboun St to drink with me.

Make sure you're living your life,
-B-

To all my peeps (Brandon mass email)

I've had a few of you complain that you haven't been able to spend money on my bride and me, so I'll let you know that according to Amy we're registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

If you ask me, I'm registered at Buy.com under my Schrenkdog087@yahoo.com name, and if people want to throw money at me, they should check my wishlist there and buy me movies, cds and books.

But most of all I'd like to say you don't have to waste money on me. We'll see you guys within the next year and partying together would be enough.

Not much has changed on the homefront except that Amy quit her job, moved in with me and we're now living the lives married 23-yr olds should - Tuna helper and Bud Lite. And I've never been happier. I'm going to CO this weekend to commission Russ into the Air Force (hehe). I respect the guy for serving, but seriously, Russ, the AF?? Just kidding buddy, have fun out in Idaho.

Also in that respect, I've been "penciled in" for a San Diego PW tour next. For you non-military folks that means my chances are now slightly better than one in a million that I'll get San Diego. But that's better than nothing, so we'll run with it.

OK, enough about me. All of you need to email me and tell me what's going on with you. I've been busy getting the woman down here, moving a roommate out, and moving her stuff in, so I've had little contact with anyone outside of Gulfport Mississippi.

Help!

Be good
-B-

Because monotony is boring... (Brandon mass email)

Howdy folks, me one more time.

My life got exciting again. That's right, Amy and I are taking the next step in this whole little love and marriage thing....

And for those of you who think I'm implying children, talk to mom and dad again because if boy never sees girl, girl can't get pregnant. But anyway, in our continuing spiral of impulsive, but well thought out plans, Amy is quitting her job and will be moving to Gulfport MS in just less than two weeks. For my Houston friends that means we'll be partying in your neighborhood on April 24th.

Yup, her two weeks are through Friday, I'm flying out the following Thursday, and we'll make this 1800 mile trek in three days cruising through the glorious deserts of Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, and Texas. Then we get to go through the swamps of Lousiana and Mississippi, kick my roommate out to his next station, and then we'll have our first apartment! Then I go to work on Monday and take my PRT (for the non-Navy folks, thats our physical fitness test). I recommend this tactic to anyone who feels our current standards aren't challenging enough.

So that's all that is new and exciting in my life. And now that my wife is about to move in with me, that will probably be the last fun thing that ever happens...

If you have any clever comments (especially Guzzi) please make sure to only reply to those people you know. Not everyone on this list has needs your comments to pave them a clearer path to Hell (Guzzi). But if they're truly clever, feel free to make fun of me in front of everyone I know.

Also, a lot of you have called or emailed, and I'm trying to get back to you, but there are a lot of you and Brandon $chrenk is only one man....

Peace and AEKD
-B-