Jason Elam ruined my anniversary (Brandon Mass Email)

So in case you haven't heard that Jason Elam left the Broncos today, I'm sorry to report that Jason Elam left the Broncos today. In case you haven't heard of Jason Elam, he was their kicker for 15 years, the highest scoring Bronco ever, tied for the longest field goal ever, and he had 4 game winning field goals last year. In case you can't understand why this upsets me, reply to this email immediately so I can take you off the list.

Now that makes me cry, but why does it ruin my anniversary? Well, Jason Elam wrote a book this year, and I'm not sure if he realized it at the time, but he made it specifically as an anniversary gift from my wife. So I stayed up half the night reading the book (this one didn't have pictures so I only got through the first chapter) and am loving it. Then I wake up this morning to the news. Now the gift is tarnished. Thanks Amy.

Here's my thought. Elam is extremely religious. Colorado is completely pure of heart. Atlanta is just like Arizona - In Arizona everyone has a swimming pool in their back yard, in Atlanta everyone kills pitbulls. To all of my friends who came from, live in, or ever plan to move to Atlanta, the savior has arrived and things are about to change...

Speaking of anniversaries, help me out with an argument Amy and I are in. I was trying to impress Amy by showing her that I remembered our anniversary. She asked me what I wanted, I asked her what she meant. She said for a gift. I said we don't do gifts. Here's my reasoning: When I married Amy I gave her the greatest gift any human could give another - Me! Giving anything else is sort of like asking Jesus for a Christmas present. Now don't get upset, I'm not comparing myself to Jesus, that spot is solely held by Jason Elam.

Four years and counting
B