Why the end of humanity isn't so scary

Standard disclosure: To those who've I've just added to the list, and I guess to anyone on the list, if you want to be removed please let me know - I assure you there will be no hard feelings.

To those who have been checking our blog and pictures twice daily as agreed upon in the contract this is not news. But to those of you who have been failing in both your civic and patriotic duties, I've attached pictures from our latest ultrasound. We are now 100% sure that it's a girl and I've started to think about how I can do things to protect both of my little girls as they grow to be perfect young women save their only flaw - my half of their genes. I'm pretty sure that this one's mine because if you look closely at the pictures you can see a kid who snuck into Amy's womb and put her thumbs up!! (not like with Tim's kid when I had to doctor a picture so nobody would start asking questions like "why doesn't your kid have her thumbs up in pictures?")

My first act will be to push legislation that will most assuredly keep them safe. Colorado has a law that enables people to legally kill someone if they are perceived as a danger and on your property. It is referred to as the "make my day" law. I'm proposing something similar which I will tentatively call the "it's not murder because that's my daughter" law. The primary difference will be that this law will enable me to hunt down any male who is considering looking at, talking to, or touching either of my daughters.

I've also toyed with calling the bill "keep your eyes off my daughter and you get to keep them in your head" or maybe "proposition 249855532-1940, section 4, amendment Q". My greatest concern is that it will face opposition from the worry warts who might claim that if boys are no longer allowed to talk to girls then we may effectively discontinue the human race, but I think we can all agree that my comfort is worth the end of our species.

Being the humanitarian that I am I send this warning to those of you with boys: keep your ears to the Supreme Court decisions and warn them now so that they don't run into the same problem I did when I found out I accidentally broke the law. The policeman's end of our conversation when something like this:

"Mr. Schrenk, it doesn't matter that you didn't see the speed limit sign. Regardless of whether or not you are aware of the law, it must be followed and you will be punished if you break it. But why are you asking about the speed limit - I'm here answering a cruelty to animal complaint. Why are all these cats shaved, why are they wearing boxing gloves, and what is that miniature boxing ring for?"

"Mr. Schrenk, that isn't funny, it's actually considered cruelty to animals"

" No, Mr. Schrenk; although I agree with you that cats are likely demonic in origin, within the confines of the law they are still considered animals."

"No, son, if the judge decides to make community service a portion of your sentence, I will not recommend what you've been doing for the past five hours to count towards that time.

****Note: Sadly today I saw a commercial on TBS that had cats boxing so I want to make some things clear. I started composing this email weeks ago (all of my emails are beechwood aged to ensure maximum hilariousness) so I'm pretty sure that the TBS spies have bugged my computer looking for hilariousness. That being said, I'm not Dane Cook - I write my own material.

On the Allison front, she just started walking - further proof that if you've ever had to baby sit a drunk, especially a drunk midget, you're ready for parenthood. She wanders down the hallway from one wall to the other, and heaven forbid if a ramp sneaks up on her. But it's very cute and Amy and my backs are waking up in much better condition. Well, mine at least; Amy's still carrying that kid, but we all know that was her fault.

If you're looking for a vacation this summer, why not try Colorado in June? My family (sans pets) will be headed there the 17th-24th, so make plans to be there. And I've said it before but I don't accept excuses like "I'm deployed to Japan so I can't go" or "I'm stationed in Italy so I can't go" or "I live next door but I hate you", so we'll see you all in June.

Fandom hath no fairweatherness like Houston (just look at the Rockets)
-B-

PS. Don't forget to go to theschrenks.blogspot.com and allisonschrenk.shutterfly.com and theschrenks.shutterfly.com, as agreed upon in the contract.

PPS. Does anyone have Mike Carr's email?

PPPS. How come no one told me that PPS comes after PS, not PSS. I've been screwing that up for years and you've all just kept your mouths shut. You're all accomplices.