30 Trips Around the Closest Star (Brandon Mass Email)

Howdy (That's Texan for I'm not smart enough to say hello, but hey there fella!)

I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get another mass email out there but I've been extremely busy taking pictures of myself and sending them from Brett Favre's cell phone.

So a lot has happened since my last update. Let's start somewhere random - thanks to my mom, my dad, and likely some cheap wine, the back seat of a Camaro, and a series of bad, dream destroying decisions I turned 30 this year. I like to think that after having seen the Ether side of the sun (I still think Einstein is looney) 29 times, give or take, I've learned some things. I'm also sad to admit that there are things I don't know.

Because I'm starting down the downhill slope I'd like to share some of these nuggets with you.

Stuff I've learned:

1) Kids are awesome. As long as they're my kids or my close friends' kids in small doses. And they aren't whining. And they don't stand in front of the TV when the Broncos are playing - or whatever it is you call what they did with the Raiders today.

2) People will confuse a great smile, a silver tongue, or big boobs with competence.

3) No one has ever been confused and considered me competent.

4) If you're patient, someone great will eventually settle for you.

5) The smartest way to invest your money is to send it directly to me.

6) From the intensive studies I've performed (primarily watching ER, Private Practice, and Grey's Anatomy) doctors spend considerably more time sleeping with or trying to sleep with other doctors than they do on keeping people healthy. The only doctors who care about their craft more than their personal lives are Doogie Howser and Dr. Nick.

7) If my girls ever dress the way they dress some of their Barbies, I won't even let them out of their closet.

8) I wish Amy would dress more like the girls dress some of their Barbies.

9) I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know that I'd rather serve a purpose than be a lawyer.

10) Imaginary friends are really creepy. They're cute when your daughter sets an empty seat beside her at the dinner table. They're annoying when when your 4-year-old yells at the 2 year old for "stepping on David" who happened to be sleeping in the middle of the living room floor at 4 in the afternoon. They're creepy when your daughter wakes you at 3:30 am and asks you to tell David to leave her room because he's making too much noise and keeping her up.

11) If the mascot of your school is the Cougars, it's totally cool to make fun of an organization called "Cougars for Kids". It's much cooler, however, to FORWARD an email asking "is this really the best title for an organization" to your wife, not REPLY to the Vice President of the University of Houston.

Stuff I still don't get:

1) How did Avatar get nominated for a best picture Oscar?

2) How is it that I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore but I know who Snookie is, and I've lived in Pearland for over 3 years and still don't know who represents me in the House of Representatives?

3) Why can my kid watch Braveheart chop off a dude's head on network TV at 3 in the afternoon on a Saturday with zero recourse, but if a portion of a nipple shows for a fraction of a second during a Superbowl then the whole world stops for a week?

4) Seriously, how did Avatar get nominated for a best picture Oscar?

5) Why is it so stinking hard to get you to visit theschrenks.blogspot.com and www.theschrenks.shutterfly.com?

6) What is that smell?

7) Why won't somebody hire me in Colorado with about a 40% salary increase with the same or less responsibility so Amy will let me live in Colorado?

8) Dude, I'm serious, I watched the last 10 games of the Broncos 2009 season and even they did a better job of acting like a football team then the Avatar computer graphics did acting like a movie that didn't suck. Josh McDaniels deserves an Oscar nomination.

That's all for my list for now but I'm sure in an hour or two (once my Alzheimer's sets in and I've forgotten I've sent an email) I'll expunge the little respect you had left for me by sending another of those worthless emails.

Now stay off my damn lawn
B

PS...Shoutouts (and it's been a long time and I'm old so if I forgot something important, send me an email; I'm losing my memory because I'm so OLD):

LCDRs Kenny "DOM" H and Timmy K-bar...Is the Navy really that desperate? Just kidding fellas, great work.

Josh and Lisa - she's beautiful, but next time you're in Texas, she'd better be here too.

Seth and Misty - she's beautiful, but you need to make it to Texas and she'd better be with you.

Rees - you brilliant bastard - there is nothing more fantastic than marrying out of your league. Just ask Guido, Russ, and just about everyone else on this list...

JJ - You are more than a 60% quarterback, buddy, you are now a 60% face of a franchise! Next time you're down here burying theVigilantes, we'll be the ones screaming the loudest from the cheap seats.
Stef - Congratulations on the engagement. I hope next time we're in Colorado I get a chance to meet him.

Heater - Congrats, but re-read (4) from above - it's obvious that Adam is very patient.

Cs - Congrats on the new one...Patrick you may be the veteran, but Ashley is the war hero.

Rosco - Congrats on the new company. I'm sorry that you're a lawyer.
B