365...Already? (Brandon mass email)

Hola Banditos (that's Texican for Howdy, yall)

Well, today is pretty amazing. The coolest little kid in the history of mankind is officially one year old! I couldn't believe it myself. But you know what, when something like that hits you, it sort of makes you reflect on what you've learned over the past 365.25 days. And because I have a little military still in me, I'm going to present it in a "Lessons Learned" format:

ITEM: Baby spit and cell phones.
DISCUSSION: Babies mouths are small, so they can't possibly produce enough spit to ruin a cell phone, right?
RECOMMENDATION: Don't be fooled. If you don't yet have kids, go ahead and hang on to the one you're using now so the kid has a play toy. If you have kids, better start looking for the best deal on a new one.

ITEM: Babies, Your Bed, and Gravity
DISCUSSION: Your kid is sitting in the middle of your queen size bed showing no interest in moving. You look down to check your watch, and the next thing you know the kid is on the floor SCREAMING while your wife starts yelling from the other room. You understand basic physics so you're now convinced that your child possesses supernatural powers because there is no way that Superman could have moved that fast, unless he had a time traveling cell phone, but you know your kid doesn't because she already ruined it with her baby spit.
RECOMMENDATION: When your wife says "Don't take your eyes off the kid", go ahead and heed the advice.

ITEM: Babies and remote controls
See babies and cell phones

ITEM: Baby teeth.
DISCUSSION: When your baby is born, it is absolutely adorable when she starts nibbling on your fingers and her gums are soft. Then you start noticing that she laughs when you do it, and you like to see her smile, so you make a habit of it. Then she grows her first tooth. Suddenly you realize that all you've been doing is conditioning her to bite your fingers, as well as giving her jaw a workout that has developed a clamp that makes a bear trap jealous.
RECOMMENDATION: Don't stick your hand in a mouth containing midget fangs.

ITEM: Drinking from a Sippie
DISCUSSION: If your kid is "festively plump" (remember, I can't call Allison a cake-eater anymore because I'm not allowed to make fun of her after she turns 1, even if she is wearing clothes that fit a 24 month old and she can't see her toes, but not because of her ginormous gut, but because she has them in her mouth) she will likely be late to develop skills like crawling, walking, high-fiving, or jumping in the backs of photos while giving a thumbs up, she will likely exceed expectations when it comes to eating. Allison, for one (or 2.5, given her volume) saw one of the older kids drinking from a sippie at daycare and stole it from him. She emulated him and after that morning would push bottles away.
RECOMMENDATION: If you want your kid to develop, you must first instill in them a healthy sense of dominance over other children. Then they will realize that it's okay to steal things because, despite being younger, you're bigger than the other kid and you want that thing he has in his hand. Science has proven that cage matches are the best way to teach maleable young minds. And by science I mean Michael Vick, and by maleable young minds, I mean dogs. Allegedly.

ITEM: Drinking from a cup
DISCUSSION: Dad naturally assumed the because the smartest girl ever figured out how to use a sippie at such a small age, mastering the cup would be easy. Go big or go home is what I always say, so we tried the 32 oz plastic glass in the bath tub. Allison was so cute as she tried to lift the cup full of soapy water up to her face, just like mommy and daddy do. Allison also has the strength of a 10-yr old (I'm thinking she might be a part of the steroid era, but I'm afraid she'll hit me if I bring it up, so we'll just let it go. By the way, she already has 234 home runs) and got the 80% filled cup up to her mouth and then bottoms up! Have you ever seen a child cough up her head's worth of water and then not breathe for about a minute. I have.
RECOMMENDATION: Seriously, dude, heed your wife's advice.

ITEM: Wine on the bottom of the rack.
DISCUSSION: Do you remember that big bottle of wine that you put on the bottom shelf so that, Allison can't get to it and it wouldn't break. Well apparently she can and it does.
RECOMMENDATION: I'd say cut back on the wine, but then how would I handle Allison crying? And I've now learned that dogs love the taste of wine off an infant's hand, and mom moves faster than an Allison with a baby-slobber-destroyed time machine cell phone when her little girl is near breaking glass. Basically, I recommend doing the best you can because obviously you can't read this Item without realizing that you're an unquestionably better parent than me.

ITEM: Walking into a sleeping babies room
DISCUSSION: It's your daughter's first birthday. You know she's still asleep when you leave for work, just like she is everyday. But it's a special day so you want to wish her a happy birthday before you leave. Opening the door to her room wakes her. She smiles at you, and you pick her up and whisper happy birthday in your ear. She smiles again and, although she isn't really old enough to know how to hug, she wraps her arms around your neck and squeezes. You love this little girl. You put her back down and tell her to get some good sleep, you'll see her tonight when you get back from work. You see the look of realization in her eyes that you are leaving. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and nearly breaks the windows with her scream, consequently waking mom. Way to make her first birthday special jackass.
RECOMMENDATION: Dude, seriously, how are you still married?

Yup, I think I've just summarized every thought I've had since Allison was born. You should definitely check out http://theschrenks.shutterfly.com/ to see the new casa, and http://allisonschrenk.shutterfly.com/ for the birthday girl. If you're going to be in the Houston area this weekend, I strongly recommend you stop by at 1pm on Saturday for Allison's party. Otherwise, stay tuned for pictures of Allison eating her first donut, maybe some cake.

Hasta.
B

PS...If you talk to Clark, let him know that you saw me typing this at home and that I wasn't wasting time at the sweet ass job that he hooked me up with.

PPS...A reminder to folks new to the Schrenk Newsletter - you're always free to ask me to take you off the distro, it won't hurt my feelings. But if your name is Greg Jennings, I won't entertain the request.

FREEDOM!! (Brandon mass email)

Well, your country is finally in the hands of capable military personell!

That's right, as of midnight tonight I am back to being a civilian. Well, mostly. I'll still be in the Inactive Reserve, so there's still a chance I could be called back into service, albeit a pretty slight one.

This email will focus around work, so if you're at work right now, chances are that you're reading this so you can kill some time, but you always feel like you're too busy to read the whole thing. That is true in both the civilian and military sector.

Now to make my military buddies jealous. Let me explain Air Liquide "mandatory fun". The primary difference between AL and the government is that in AL "mandatory" means optional, and "fun" means fun. Let me explain. The first week I got there, we took Thursday afternoon off to go to an Astros game (paid for by AL). The only thing I had to pay for was beer and chicken strips.

Then a week later, it was family day. We went to Dave and Buster's and they fed us more than I should have eaten all weekend, for FREE. Then they gave us $10 in tokens (they even gave Allison one) so we went and started getting tickets. We played this ridiculous quiz game where the more folks played the more tickets the winner would receive. And by "the winner would receive" I mean "the more tickets people would hand to Amy". For 50 cents a game we were getting between 120 and 160 tickets, and by "we" I mean Amy because she kept winning. I came in second once, but that's because I was peeking over her shoulder. Needless to say we amassed a small ticket fortune and spent it all on Allison. She hugged Cookie Monster (C) so tight and was so happy I thought she was having a siezure. For more pictures of Cookie Monster (C) checkout www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz. PS. Sesame Street, you can't sue me, I put one of those (C) things behind Cookie Monster (C)

Now to what I spend between 8 and 10 hours a day doing. I won't get into specifics because most of you will be board, but in laymans terms my section of Air Liquide compresses and separates air into liquid oxygen (used for medical purposes and to start fires in other plants), liquid nitrogen (for entertaining high schoolers during Sophomore science class), and liquid Argon (used in light bulbs and nobility). Specifically, I'm in charge of our Ingleside and Victoria TX plants (sort of near Corpus Cristi) and I'm supposed to make those plants make more of the liquid products using less energy. You all know me pretty well, though, so keep an eye on the Ingleside Tribune and see if you can make out my face in the "Former Naval Officer Blows Up Chemical Plant: Plant officials thought no one could be that stupid" article coming to your town soon.

Now to Allison - apparently fat babies float as good as fat people! Yup, she started swim lessons. I learned that when you're going to dunk your kid, you're supposed to blow in there face so they hold their breath. I tried it and learned something else. When you blow in Allison's face, she laughs. Then I learned the most valuable lesson of all. When you dunk a laughing kid, they stop laughing and loud screams are a guarantee once they cough up all that water. Needless to say, I'm out for dad of the year this year, but there's always 2008 right?

She also got two more teeth, so she has two on top and two on the bottom. I watch Hunter, and I'm suddenly reminded how glad I am that I don't have a tail. Or floppy ears. Or whiskers. Or a crappy owner who holds me down while the kid pulls on my ears and whiskers and then takes a bit out of my tail with her razor sharp infant fangs.

That's enough for now. We're getting closer to finally filling up the house and once that happens you get pictures! Stay tuned for my next email when I detail how I lost a battle fighting a whole wasps nest armed with only a lawn mower. And you won't want to miss the paragraph entitled "We're only going a few blocks, don't worry about tying the piano down it won't fall. Besides the only other thing in the back of this moving van is two propane tanks that aren't tied down either!" I think I might call my next email "Don't ever let Brandon move your stuff. In fact, don't ever let him move his stuff"

Hasta
B

Did Brandon fall off the face of the planet?? (Brandon mass email)

In a word...yes. I'm now a Texan.

I know you've all been checking your email every 15 minutes since my last email, but it's now time to end your month-long-sleep-drought and get some rest. Allison, Amy, Hunter and I (and that feline-looking-thing) made it to San Antonio on the 21st of May. We spent a few days lounging out with her folks. And by lounging out with her folks I mean Grandma and Grandpa Bean swam with her in the pool and swung with her on the patio while Amy and I worked from 6am-10pm for four days fighting with Loan Officers, Realtors, Inspectors, Insurance Agents, Sellers, Evil Wookies, The Empire, The Joker, and The Man, and everything looked like we should be fine for a June 1st closing on the house of our dreams so we flew to Colorado to lounge out with my folks.

And what I mean by lounge out with my folks was Grandma and Grandpa Schrenk swung with Allison on the porch while Amy and I spent the next four days working from 7am-11pm (we moved to the Mountain Time Zone) fighting with Loan Officers, Realtors, Inspectors, Insurance Agents, Sellers, Rabid Midgets, Ice Cream Trucks that fired Missiles, Pennywise the Clown, Lex Luthor, and Big Brother and finally everything looked like we should be fine for a June 1st closing so we flew back to San Antonio to lounge with Amy's folks again.

And what I mean by lounging out with Amy's folks was 4 more days of fighting (from 6am to 10pm - Central time again) with Loan Officers, Realtors, Inspectors, Insurance Agents, Sellers, Clubber Lang, Simon Cowell, That Faceless Guy from Inspector Gadget, The Wicked Witches (yeah, that one with the house on top of her was MEAN!) and Whitey until we looked like we should be fine for a June 1st closing so we cruised into Pearland, TX (near Houston) on June 1st.

Once we got there, we finally closed on the house and got to move in.

Our cell phone numbers will remain the same and we should have pictures of the new joint at http://www.geocities.com/amyaphiizsoon!

Then, just when we thought the madness was over we had to start battle with cable companies, electric companies, telephone companies, internet hosts, security companies, The Evil Monkey in Chris' Closet, Lord Voldemort, the Noid, the Dixie Chicks, and the Demon and the crack of his whippy tail...but it was all worth it because we're in our new house, which we love, Hunter has a new room (the FENCED back yard) which he loves, Allison has her own bathroom, which she will love, the grandparents will have their own room and shower, which they love, and there are tons of places for Snickers to hide so we rarely see her (which I love!).

I'll update you on the new job next email, but for the time being I need to give a shout out to some folks who do great work. I never thought I'd be advertising on the Schrenk mass email, but here we go!

If you ever need AMAZING quilt work done, contact Mrs. Sew&Sew (Amy Dix) of Mrs. Sew-n-Sew, Custom Quilts http://www.mrssewnsew.shoppingcartsplus.com/. She's awesome! I'm not kidding, check our website you'll be amazed.

Next I want to thank (for those of you military types) MC1 Mulligan (and for those of you civilians Sean Mulligan). Check out Allison's 10 month old pictures, he does awesome work. I know it sounds creepy taking your daughter into the garage of some guy you barely know, but the ends justify the means, right? That's my parenting philosophy! But for my Gulfport friends, you probably had no idea that he had his own business outside of the base but he's definitely worth checking out.

Lastly, I wanted to congratulate Allison's godparents (a few months too late, but it's still in there) for their good news. Mike got a great new promotion at Carmax and Heater was accepted into pharmacy school. What parent could be prouder? The two people responsible for Allison's spiritual upbringing are a used car salesman and a drug dealer!

Thanks for hanging in there, sorry this one was so long. Well, not really because this one was long overdue.
Peace
B

It has been too long (Brandon mass email)

Ahoy-hoy,

If you want to skip the rest of this email, that's fine, but at least know that we're having another "Come and meet Allison party, part deux" at my folk's place in Colorado this Friday at 5pm until 9 or so.

If you're making plans to attend please send an email to my mom so shecan make sure there's enough food there you cheap jerk (yeah, you know who you are and I know how you operate).

Now onto important stuff (in order of importance) - I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS, I'm going to a Bronco game, I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS, Allison is still huge and adorable, I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS, I have a job lined up, I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS, we should be closing on a house before the month is out, and I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS. Isn't that crazy? Me, at a Bronco game?

Oh, where to start? Apparently my begging worked because Sean Clark lined me up with a sweet job at Air Liquide (yeah, it's French, but Allison eats a lot so I need the cash). Essentially the company makes liquid oxygen, nitrogen and argon, and I'll be a Zone Engineer so I'll be responsible for the projects relating to that process around Ingleside Texas. If you want me to nerd it up for you, give me a call.

Amy suggested that because we were going to move we should probably find a place to live. At first I was against the idea, but it grew on me. We started looking and found a great place in Pearland Texas. Yup, stone me now, I'm going to be a Texan soon. It's a five bedroom, three bath place that is gorgeous. Amy and I are nervous to give anyone the address just yet (kind of like asking a pitcher to check out the scoreboard in the midst of a perfect game) but I promise that when we close (which is scheduled for May 31st) you're all welcome to come stay with us any time you want. Joel, Russ, or Kansas, you only get to come to wash my car.

The Denver Broncos were so excited that I was going to be living in Houston that they decided to schedule a game against the Texans in December!! Make no mistake, I will sell ANYTHING (Amy and Allison included, Hunter excluded) to get into that game. It will be a Houston Texan's Thursday night game so if you should happen to have it playing on your TV that night you'll see a nearly empty stadium with one gangly, goofy looking dude wearing a McCaffery jersey arguing with a hot dog vendor over whether Darth Vader or Darth Maul was tougher. By the way, I'll be wearing my McCaffery jersey to that game.

We'll be driving away from Gulfport (so long Stinktown) this Monday and will be living with Amy's folks until we get our house. We are headed up to CO for a couple of days over Memorial Day weekends, hence the aforementioned party.

So all is going well. I strongly encourage you to go to http://www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz/ and check out the newest pictures of Allison. This kid is still the cutest little girl ever born, and I'm not just saying that because sh'e's my daughter, I'm saying it because I've been on a quest to find a baby cuter than mine and it hasn't happened yet. Just because I'm using Gulfport as my population sample doesn't make the data any less valid.

Hope to hear from all of you soon.
Brandon

PS...Did I telly you that I'm finally leaving Gulfport MS??

New Jobs and poetry (Brandon mass email)

First things first, www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz is the website you are supposed to visit to see pictures of my little girl. Other members of my family might be on there too, I can't remember. Either way, it is not a site designed for you to view my resume, Erin (congrats on your first shout out).

Now to more important things - how did the job search go? Well let me strongly recommend headhunters - they even made a guy like me mildly hireable. We essentially went through a round of "speed dating" (for those unfamiliar, check out "The 40-yr Old Virgin" as long as kids aren't in the room). At the first conference most folks had 4-7 interviews - I got 11. I rated the companies and they rated me on a fourth-graders dating scale - Yes, No, and Maybe. I went 9-1-1. I realized the civilian side would be a little less selective than the military, but COME ON! Three days later I had 10 more interviews. I know, you'd think that someone would have figured it out... WRONG - I went 10-0-0. IDIOTS!

Well, it's nice to have some selection now. Currently I'm looking primarily in the Houston area, but I have a couple of prospects in Dallas and Tulsa (don't give me that look, Amy, the job is good. Allison, stop it - did your mom teach you to glare like that?) A couple more weeks and a few more plant trips and my guess is I'll probably have a job! Also, a quick thanks to Clark and Lindsey for their help with Air Liquide and DOW.

Alright, now to the part of the email that you've been waiting for: POETRY! For those unfamiliar, I've always dabbled in the arts, and have found a special niche in Haiku. For those unfamiliar, Haiku is the japanese poetry which consists of three lines, the first with 5 syllables, then 7, then 5. I've started an organization if you'd like more info - World Haikuists (it's a word) Attempting To Align Dreams and Overcome the Rigor of Knormal (WHATADORK). Anyway , here goes:

I call this one Revelations;

Darkness envelopes,
burns with fiery, evil pain
got Coke up my nose

This next group is an an arrangement I've prepared for my wife's cat:

Worthless Cat - take one

Cat spins round and roud
dryer sheets ward off evil
so in there you stay

Worthless Cat - special edition

If she didn't want
a clean, sanitized, blonde cat
why'd she buy the bleach?

Worthless Cat - alternate ending

If she didn't want
a smooth, waterproof cat
why'd she buy the tape?

Worthless Cat - directors cut

If she didn't want
me to test household items
why'd she buy the cat?

Finally, the only redeeming part of this act. This one needs no title:

When Allison smiles
I'm suddenly reminded
all is right in life

Thank you, thank you. Just remember, along with long mass emails, all Haiku's presented in this email are property of SchrenkisSweet, Inc, and can be reproduced, but only if done so with perfect comedic timing.

Sorry, but it looks like I've run out of time. Thanks for sticking around and I look forward to sending another email and wasting a little more of your time.

B

In the Beginning

Hi Everyone!

Okay, so we're going to give this blog thing a try. It looks like I can update it at work, so maybe it will be done more than our website is! (Just kidding!).

Allison is almost 8 months old. I can't believe time has flown by this quickly. She's rolling, has two teeth (and working on #3) and starting to want to chase the cat. We've also had to retire one of our old cell phones because Allison doesn't want the colorful baby one, she wants the real deal. (So my 8 month old having her own cell phone doesn't make me a bad mom, does it!?).

Mom was here this last weekend so Brandon and I could attend the Seabee Ball. It was a lot of fun. Mom and Allison had a blast playing together. Good thing we'll see her (and Dad and Michael and Brianne and Aunt Susie) again next week. We're going to Texas next week so Brandon can attend 2 job conferences. (Hopefully that means he'll have a job soon). We're also going to get to see Clark and Lindsey while we're there. AND (if A&M beats Memphis...I'm sorry, WHEN they beat Memphis) we might get to go to Saturday's game. Gig 'em!

Thanks to Sarah and Christy for inspiring me to try this...we'll see how it goes! And congratulations to Christy and Zach; Makenna is beautiful. I'll try and have pictures up soon...

Proof that my New Year's resolution wasn't to send shorter emails (Brandon mass email)

So last email I promised a copy of our Christmas letter and photo and forgot. It should be attached this time. I hope.



















Okay, enough about that and onto the true meaning of Christmas. For 25 Christmases I have believed that Christmas was about a spirit of caring for your neighbors and taking some time to spend with family friends and loved ones. Boy was I WRONG. Christmas is now, and will forever be, about PRESENTS!!!

You can blame Amy for this realization - she happened to get me the coolest present ever forged. If you'll take a look at the picture below you will see how I want to be buried. No joke, if that jersey isn't on me I will haunt you from beyond the grave with something far worse than these pointless emails. If your eyes aren't so good, I happen to be underneath a SIGNED, ED MCCAFFERY VINTAGE ORANGE BRONCO JERSEY!!! It's rumored that even Buddha, after having reached enlightenment, uttered the words "I really want one of those".















Well Grandma and Grandpa Schrenk almost didn't make it down to Mississippi this year because of the light frost Denver's been having, but after bribing the necessary judges, and buying drinks for the proper pilots they made it down to join Amy's family in spoiling their first grandchild for her first Christmas. Unfortunately their luggage did not. When it finally did, it was the best December 26th Christmas EVER! They almost missed the trip home because of the second mild flurry, but this time they made their flight. Once again, the luggage didn't. If only George Bush had signed the Kyoto Treaty...

The job search can officially commence - I got orders that say I am officially receiving the boot in June. That being said, for those of you who have been distributing my resume, it's time to revisit those McDonald's and stir the dying embers. If you're suddenly feeling guilty and now want to give my resume to a firm send me an email. I would have attached one to this email, but mostly I'm just lonely so every single email asking for one helps me to imagine friends are writing me.

Lastly, I need to apologize to one of my friends who got engaged over Thanksgiving (you know who you are) but for some reason I think I'm not supposed to say anything yet. I'm so used to writing emails every other day and I completely forgot to give props to my other friend who's throwing away freedom so he can be burdened by the burying cement shoes of left hand metal - now that's good simile. But anyway, now's the time to give him the advice I give every engaged and married man: take frequent trips, with your fiance/wife of course, to Best Buy and go down the TV aisle to compare the size of the big screens of comparable price, to that little piece of rock attached to some shiny metal. For those of you just recently engaged, married, or who want to be married someday, remember tricks like this to keep your marriage fun and new!


If you didn't receive another email about a two weeks ago, either Amy submitted your name to this list or this email address was submitted by someone who did. One last plug - If you don't tell me to take you off this list, you're going to continue to receive these random and regularly ridiculous ramblings.

Merry Festivus,
B

PS Taylor and Stephanie - Got it. Thanks so much, hope all is well.

PSS Jared - I haven't forgotten. I'm still working on getting Chad's address and I'll send it as soon as I get it.

PSSS Chad, can you please send me your home address.