Happy Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve and Happy New Years Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve! (Brandon mass email)

Whats up you glorious troop of red and black ants marching hand in hand!

Before we get to first things first, I have a request. I'm working to update my email list because...well, let's face it: Without my mass emails no one talks to me. But here's what I need from you:

1) If you have no idea who I am, let me know and you can be removed from the list - Special caveat: This rule applies only to those who don't KNOW me, not those who don't want the emails.

2) If you have another email address where you'd prefer to have monthlyish Schrenk updates, please send it this way.

3) If you've recently given me an updated address and want the last 16 months of my life delivered straight to your inbox, it can be arranged.

Now onto first things first.

First things first, this years edition of the Brandon and Amy (now with Allison!) Christmas Letter's has been distributed. And best of all, it's FREE! We've had a number of returned letters, and you folks will be contacted in separate correspondence (I'm sure you're all aware that I don't like these emails dragging on). I've attached a copy of the letter and the picture we sent, but if you'd prefer a hard copy we'd be more than happy to make that happen.

Second things second, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write, but it's been a hectic couple of months. We got to take Allison back to Colorado to introduce her to what's really important in life: Coors Lab. See the attached picture and know that she is 1) pouring some Blue Moon, and 2) There are a collective 80 people in the lab simultaneously going "aah" while she's doing it. I never thought that contributing to the delinquency of a minor could be so cute!

While in Colorado, my brother and I witnessed the beginning of Plummer's demise firsthand - That's right, we went to the Charger/Bronco game. Let me just say that I didn't spend all 60 minutes of the game inside the stadium, but Nath and I got a pretty cool shot outside the stadium (see other attached picture). Later that week we went to an Avalanche game and got to see one of the greatest possible NHL upsets when they beat the Mighty Ducks in a shootout! We probably did some stuff with my family and turkey and stuff, but seriously who can think about Thanksgiving when you are surrounded by Colorado sports teams? But thanks to those who visited us while we were out there.

Third things third. I don't know if it made much news in Colorado, but apparently the Broncos replaced their quarterback. Apparently the new guy's name is Jay Cutler. Well when this Cutler fella threw his first touchdown, we snapped a picture of Allison. See the attached picture and rest assured that after an act like that that night I made sure not to forget to feed her! Also, the other picture shows a deadly combination. When Allison is in that guys arms, the Broncos can't lose. The second she leaves, Cutler throws interceptions and Rod Smith fumbles. I charge you all with remembering that his name is Jeff because I promised him that I wouldn't one day look back and say "what was that guy's name?". By the way, Jeff, welcome to the random insertion of names and callouts inside a Schrenk email.

Last things last. I decided to include my latest picture in my military dress blues. Mostly this is an attempt to show you that even a slow, lazy, boring email writing guy can be dressed up to look like a war hero with the right lighting and a military uniform. Hope all is well and I can't wait to talk to you all soon!

Wiky Wiky

Did you see that pumpkin? (Brandon mass email)

Alright, I have created the greatest masterpiece in the history of Halloween. Don't worry about scaring the kids because if you've been a decent parent they should be celebrating this 3rd Wonder of the World (it's not quite the Sphinx or Gotham City, but it's not too far off).

So the pumpkin was really the only reason worth sending the email, but I'll go ahead and inform you that despite the fact that I'm leaving the Navy, they still want to pay me more money. That's right, I got a promotion. If you're sending that resume around, go ahead and change the title from "Lieutenant Junior Grade" to "Lieutenant". To put it into layman's terms, I'm no longer Goose, now I'm Maverick. To put it into the terms of those with military service, I'm no longer an idiot with no experience and nothing to add to the project, I'm now a pompous jackass with no experience and nothing to add to the process.

Note: Amy's camera broke halfway through the ceremony, and I was a LTJG for 51% of the ceremony so I've included the best pics from early on, and Allison modeling my new wardrobe. Maybe one of you photoshop wizards can fix that for me, or anyone of you can imagine what I look like with an extra stripe on my hat ("cover"). Also, keep checking www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz and maybe you'll see the pictures we got from friends.

Lastly, if you haven't checked out "The Office" yet, it's really time to start. To the guy who asked if I've seen the episode where Michael burned his foot on his Foreman Grill, I say "Hey Dwight, I think you forgot your bumper". I think that it might be one of the finest half hours of television ever imagined.

By the way, did you see the pumpkin?
B

Still wasting your time (Brandon mass email)

Hola banditos, como esta?

So I've got some bad news. I tried calling some of you this weekend and kept getting weird answering machines. In fact two of them were accented heavily in Spanish so I didn't leave a message. Unless I've talked to you in the last two weeks you should send me your current phone number and address. If you've started dating a heavily Spanish accented man, please let me know and I'll leave you a message this time.

But the important thing is that we will be having an Allison open house starting about 2 in the afternoon on the Friday after Thanksgiving at my folks place. Amy and I will be in town from the Sunday before to the Saturday afterwards and we'll have built in baby sitters (my folks) all week so let me know what time is good and we'll be there!

If you need directions to my folks place, go to mapquest and find: and don't send that address to any of your Al Queda friends, capiche? And if you're on this list it is expected that you'll be attending. You may send reasons why you won't be attending but the following will not be allowed:
1) I'm sick
2) I'm dead
3) I won't even be in the state
4) I won't even be in the country
5) No, seriously Brandon, I'm in frickin' Iraq because there is a war going on
6) Look, dude, I talked to my boss and he won't give me special liberty just to make it back for a party at a friend's house
7) Customs arrested me when I tried to sneak back into the stupid country to get back to your stupid party to meet your stupid kid and now I'm looking at 5 or more years in stupid Levenworth. Stupid!

Acceptable reasons:
1) My baby is cute and because the day is about Allison I don't want her out shined Note: This only applies to the baby; parents are still required to attend.
2) I'll be late but I'll bring beer
3) I'll be late but I have a job lined up that pays six figures and doesn't have any responisibility.
4) I'll be late, and I don't have a job for you. As penance, I'll pay Allison's way through college. And bring beer.

See you there!
B

The timeless art of finite garbage (Brandon mass email)

Howdy yall...did you miss me? I've missed you. And I miss sleep.

I realized that I haven't entertained myself by writing a mass email for quite some time and I need some entertainment. So this will be long, and I don't care if you laugh because I already am.

Well, Allison is now a month and ten days old, which means I haven't slept in almost 41 days!! But it's been a blast. She's very cute, but she's taught me a few things that I think are extremely important that I pass on to those of you who might someday become parents. Here we go:

1) No More Tears shampoo doesn't live up its name. No matter how much of that crap you dump into her eyes, she'll still be crying

2) Whoever recommended using baby doo-doo as fertilizer needs to come get rid of this dead ficus that smells like poo

3) You love your kid, but their cuteness factor is directly proportional to how much sleep they let you have the night before.

4) No matter how much Grandpa Schrenk thinks that Allison won't be that much fun until she can walk and giggle, somehow the two of them spent a lot of time together and I know it wasn't mom, dad, or grandma who introduced her to every person at the hotel

5) Take a picture of your kid at night - you will have taken ten before I've finished this sentence. Send them to your work account before you go to bed. Trust me. It will make putting up with crap from your boss a whole lot easier, but probably contributed to the production loss that made him/her yell at you in the first place.

But back to the important stuff - HUNTER!!! I know, you all thought that Allison was going to be the most important thing in my life, and she even surprised me by beating the Simpsons AND the Broncos, but until she can open my beer for me she's just shy of a tie with Hunter. But on the plus side, she looks more like Mom everyday and I can't tell you how grateful I am that she's not getting her looks from me. For more evidence (and pictures with mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, Hunter, and more) check out our website at www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz.

And for the military update, I got an email letting me know that they've accepted my resignation and should be writing orders in December that will kick me out next June. So you will soon be receiving my first resume (ever). If you would be so kind as to anonymously drop it with your HR department (I don't with to drag your reputation down with me) it would be greatly appreciated. If the laughter is so loud that you can hear it from way down at your desk, then a quick trip to McDonald's is in order, and you should grab yourself a quick snack while dropping off my resume there.

Toodles,

B

More news on my second kid (Brandon mass email)

As the Schrenks have multiplied, so too will the updates. That's right, folks, time for me to play the dad game and show you new pictures of the cutest kid ever born. I'm torn though - do I think she's cute because she's mine or is she cute because she's cute? Talk it out amongst yourselves and get back to me.

So all wasn't wonderful in paradise - Allison was jaundiced. Apparently it's pretty common in newborns, something like 1 in 5 get it. I knew that she'd turn yellow but didn't realize that the hospital would deliver a tanning bed in a suitcase where she'd spend 16-18 hours of her first four days. The cool part was that that the house had a blue glow that you could see from 200 yards away at night. The uncool part was that on top of a screaming baby, the house was lit 24 hours a day - even Hunter had trouble sleeping. But she's all better now - she even sleeps 4 to 5 hours a night!

Speaking of Hunter, he loves his new toy. In fact, whenever she cries, he runs over to check her out, then turns to look at us with a look that says, "You're coming, right? Can't you see something's wrong?". Once, when a visiting nurse was coming over to check on Allison's jaundice, the nurse picked Allison up and Hunter ran and blocked the door. When he realized that she wasn't putting her down he actually sat on her foot so she couldn't move. The whole time his tail was wagging but he made it more than apparent that no one was taking his sister. I love that dog.

The cat, however, doesn't see the appeal of the noisemaker we brought home solely to disturb her naptime. Thanks to so many of you for the gifts and phone calls. I'm sorry I've been bad about getting back to you but there are so many who've given us gifts, drunk dials and text messages, and a whole lot less hours than there were in a day two weeks ago. And on that same token, congrats to all of our new married friends, especially Matt and Lexi and Lisa and Guido (I don't know that I'll ever equal those gifts) - I'll call you sometime in the next 18 years, I swear - but you need to have kids soon because there is nothing like explaining philosophies of umpiring professional baseball, the intricacies of a Jake Plummer bootleg, or the travesty of another Bronco wearing 87 to someone who can't walk out of the room!

And for the record, Allison asked if she could wear the hat and I just can't say no to my little girl.

By the power of Grayscull,

B

We made it (Brandon mass email)

Howdy yall,


Well it all worked out. 40 hours of traveling, 15 of those on a plane, 18 hours of delivery, and somehow squeezing almost three hours of sleep into that window, I made it home in time to meet Allison Grace Schrenk as she entered the world!

She was 7 lbs 11 oz, and 20 inches long and amazing. The doctor said "she's long and skinny - definitely yours". Fortunately she got her looks from Amy - we got lucky there. Amy and the baby will be in the hospital for about two days and will come home this Friday. I will be spending half the day with my firstborn Hunter, trying to get him re-acclimated to me being home and letting him smell Allison's clothes, and will spend the rest of my time at the hospital playing with the world's youngest Bronco Fan.

I'd like to say more, but I know Russ doesn't like it when I'm not funny and I'm too tired right now for anything clever, so I'm going to catch up on some long overdue sleep and I'll be in touch with you soon. I'll forgive you if you didn't call Amy while I was gone, but on one condition - you give her a call and let her tell you about Allison. As is standard, I've attached a few pictures, we have a few more on our website www.geocities.com/amyaphiiz , and I garantee there will be a whole lot more in the future. Hope you're all as happy as I am right now.

B


PS - Barnes and Lexi - or I guess it's Barnes and Barnes in a few days here - Good luck and congrats!


PSS - Mom and Dad, as you can tell by the picture, I wanted to make sure Allison got the same start in life that I had. Thank you.

From one armpit to another (Brandon mass email)

Howdily hodily, neighborinos.

As you can tell from the subject line, I'm preparing to make a move back to reality. Well, kind of reality, I'm going back to Mississippi. Just got the good news today that I might even make it home in time to meet Allison!! I can't really go into too many details on flight dates and stuff, however, because half of you drink too much and would probably tell Al Queda anything if you thought he'd hook you up with his sister.

I've attached a couple of pictures of a pretty cool accomplishment for a Civil Engineer Corps Officer - I'm getting my Seabee Combat Warfare Specialist pin. For those who have forgotten what I look like, I'm the really, really ridiculously good looking one with the bright gold pin on my chest. It's a pretty involved process that I'd be more than happy to talk to you about when I get HOME!, but essentially it means that I've demonstrated that I can take a group of Seabees out into a war, build some buildings, and then bring them all back home so they can see their wife and kids.
For those of you who think you're in the middle of a heat wave, I've got news for you. Your "heat wave" is what I feel when I leave my hooch at 0430 to go on my run. It has been consistently over 125 for almost two weeks, and the sometimes in the deepest night it gets down to about 95. Amy made me read some baby book that says their bath water shouldn't be above 110. All of our showers are water being heated to at least the ambient temperature. So basically what I'm saying is that I'm tougher than a newborn.

I appreciate those who've been keeping in touch with me out here and I will try to give you a ring when I get back. I appreciate those who have been keeping in touch with Amy while I've been out here even more because I've been baking in the sun, but she's been baking a small child.

And I want to make one thing perfectly clear. Although I am happy that I will probably get to see my firstborn make her way into the world, that pales in comparison to the fact that I will probably be home in time to see the Broncos first preseason game!

Talk to you when Amy and I are running from the next Hurricane!
B