730.5048 days since my spawn began their rise to take over the earth (Brandon Mass Email)

Howdy this is Brandon, who is called Brandon, rapping at you New Testament style. Amy tells me I'm behind the times but I say biblical naming conventions are sweet and jean shorts are comfortable!

From the title you may have guessed that Allison just turned 2!!!!! She was getting all cocky when she took both of her shots, but it makes me laugh because we'll see who's laughing when she turns eight...For the non-Navy, non-Kappa Sig, non-"over 21" in the crowd, that joke was about childhood alcoholism, not trips to the doctor

We had a monkey birthday party because, as most of you know, Allison may have an imaginary friend someday but if it ever suggests anything to her she's going to have to run it by monkey first. Amy made a monkey cake, Allison wore a monkey shirt, and daddy got drunk and started throwing feces at people. We also pulled out every monkey she owns - 24 in total...and I'm not making that number up. Also, Allison's shirt was a 4T. For you non-kid types, that means that on her second birthday Allison was wearing four year old clothes. If she keeps up at this rate she'll be driving by the time she's 8 (and without a doubt better than me), voting by the time she's 9 (and without a doubt better than the dirty Democrats), and pretending to retire from the NFL at 19 only to come back and embarrass herself and her family pubilicly and regularly for months. I'll probably still be writing mass emails at that time so I'll keep you tuned.

I know that we should focus on the birthday girl but I feel inclined to give you a Jordan update. She's huge. Amy is trying to renig on the "you can say anything until she's one" agreement because she thinks I'm taking it too far. Here are my newest nicknames, you be the judge:

1) Jordan the Hut
2) Pearl (you'd be sweet if you got this reference)
3) Red Giant - she has so much mass that she's actually starting to implode on herself. If you don't believe me you should see her sit in a chair.
4) When we play "This little piggy" with Jordan, the piggy goes wee, wee, wee, but only gets to her knee because it's exhausted.

On a completely selfish note, I was just informed by the Texas Board of Professional Engineers that I'm eligible to take my Professional Engineer in October. For those unfamiliar with the "PE", it's sort of the equivalent of a lawyer taking the bar exam, with the primary difference being that all you need is a degree to take the bar, whereas to take the PE you are actually required to practice your craft for at least 4 years while being supervised by certified Professional Engineers. You must then use this experience and others' recommendations to prove that you are capable, ethical, and trustworthy, so I guess in that respect it's nothing like the bar

Alright kids, I'd love to keep bringing the funk but I have some serious banana flavored monkey cake I need to devour to keep up with the centers of my universe. If you have any suggestions for more appropriate nicknames let me know. Otherwise stay safe and sexy.

B