Apologies to 65 of you (Brandon Mass Email)

So if you're on facebook, I probably owe you an apology. I just checked out my facebook status and aside from the 4 people I refused as friends (I don't care how many times you request, Jennifer Anniston, I'm married), I found that there are 65 requests for stuff that doesn't have to do with being friends. I'll be honest, I don't know what most of that is - some of it has to do with sharing virtual drinks and some of it has something to do with sharing virtual rice. In all fairness, I just realized that I haven't even pushed the button that admits I'm married to my wife. Face it, kids, I suck at facebook.

Oh well, the real reason I'm writing is about Chuck Norris - I've heard some dandies recently, so here we go:
Chuck Norris doesn't turn on the light, Chuck Norris turns off the dark.
Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird. (Thanks Mike)
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Unfortunately he never cries. (Thanks Wes)
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "who has more testicles" competition and won...by 5.

All this awesomeness made me feel it was time to check out old Chucky's autobiography "Against All Odds". "How does he manage to raise two kids and still find time to delve into the greatest literature the 21st century has to offer"...the answer is simple. Pibb and red vines, dog, Pibb and red vines. As for the book, the first half it was as awesome as Chuck Norris coming to my birthday party and singing lead vocals on "Do Right" (by Jimmies Chicken Shack) with what remains of Journey backing him up, but sadly the second half made me create my own Chuck Norris line:

Chuck Norris is so important that he can pick and choose morals from the Bible, and preach unrelentingly about only those parts he feels important.

Oh well, the real reason I'm writing is to talk about my fat kid. Would you believe me if I told you that Jordan is fatter than Allison was at this age (24lbs,10oz at 9 months). It's kind of like she went to Alex Rodriguez's cousin and instead of taking steroids, took fat baby medicine, and instead of wasting her valuable fat baby medicine taking time admitting it in a news conference, she kept taking fat baby medicine. I'm just kind of sad that I have less than three months to talk about my little lard inhaling, bacon smoking, cholesterol injecting princess, who's mass is actually probably the major cause of both those satelites running into each other and global warming.

Oh well, the real reason I'm writing is to talk about Allison. We tried potty training a few weeks back and I have one word for you: Potty training sucks. We tried for about two days and got nowhere fast. I considered giving her $760 Billion because she had proved that she couldn't succeed, on the premise that throwing unregulated funds at a problem will solve it but, unlike two branches of our governing body, realized that ensuring a proven failed system was backed by unlimited funds wouldn't work. So we'll try again in a few weeks. In the meantime, when I say things like "what starts with B" she says "Broncos" and when I say "what starts with 8" she says "Eighty-seven". It may seem like I coached my kid, but in reality she's a genius.

Oh well, the real reason I'm writing is to say thanks for hanging out with me.
B

PS Shoutouts: Congrats to Sean and Lindsey C for being pregnant with Brandon Schrenk C. Congrats to Matt and Lexi B for being pregnant with Brandon Schrenk B. Congrats to Mark and Marci V for being pregnant with Brandon Schrenk V. Congrats to Ben and Erin W and Taylor and Stephanie D for having girls, but next time try harder so you have boys you can name after me.

PSS If you didn't get a shoutout but deserve one, speak up...I need emails or I get lonely