Greetings from Pearland! (if you live here you have a 75% chance of reading this by Monday) (Brandon Mass Email)

So, for those that have been following the news, a heavy rainstorm struck my backyard about a week ago. As promised, your gallant narrator has returned to the castle de Schrenk. After Jordan's appointment where they decided, medically speaking, that she's a fatty-fatty-pinhead (she's in the 95th percentile in height and weight, but only the 50th percentile for head size - just like Allison was), Amy took her back to San Antonio. If you've checked our blog, as per the instructions, you'd know this.

For the past three days I've been battling the Houston heat to put together what reminds some folks of a fence - it'll keep the dogs in but it won't be holding any roses at this years "Miss Texas Fence" competition. I had to take down the shed that took my dad and I two solid days to put up and did a solid job of demolishing it back to sheet metal and slicing a dime size slit into the side of my hand. I then did what any brave man does in such situation - I screamed a curse word at it, I kicked it (I believe in tough love), and then I went inside the house and with tears in my eyes begged Amy to put a bandaid on it (I'm grateful that she did and I'm lucky she hadn't left yet).

The house is still without power and Centerpoint has declared that my area will be without power until "at least 9/22". So Amy and my four kids will be back into Pearland "sometime after 9/22". "But wait", the astute of you claim, "if Brandon is without power, how did he send an email? Is he magic?" The answer friends, is yes. And I have friends who had power less than 24 hours after the storm passed. I begged them to let me bask in the A/C while I did some laundry and charged my laptops (for movie watching purposes). Did I mention I did laundry? Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but I just did my laundry in a spaceship. This thing was amazing! It did my laundry, gathered and analyzed the Swedish atom smashing data, and beat Big Blue at chess 2 out of 3 times (once in just six moves so Big Blue accused it of cheating). Despite all of this amazingness (it's a word...look it up), it still can't determine a reasonable way to change the "blown whistle" rule in the NFL.

So now that I've had my mass email fix I'm getting ready to check some work email. What's really cool is that despite not being at work for over a week my productivity has increased over 25%!!! I'll bet those managers are kicking themselves for having hired me now...

Thanks for the support and if you send an email I, like Houston, will have a 75% chance of getting power back and reading it by Monday. Hence the title...did you see how I did that? I'm a comic genius!

-B-

PS - A number of sports bars have power and beer, so my true friends out there, don't worry - I'll be able to catch the Broncos demonize the Saints on Sunday - Get it? I considered using "bedevil" the Saints, but I concluded that using the latter as a juxtaposition would only work if they were the New Orleans Gods. B